I can't wait to go fishing. It's time to be on the river and be hypnotized by the small waves and the constant focus on what is happening below the surface. And at the same time, the insignificance of it all. What would it be like to not be a teacher, to have less security of employment. To have less money and more freedom. Or more money and less time to breathe. I often wonder about these things. I try to hold it all loosely, but that isn't something that our society values. Often I want to disappear with my family and ignore society. Act like monks. It sounds like it might be the best thing possible for our kids. Our relationships. Our lives. Maybe Birchdale one day.



When did I become so impatient? I used to be so zen. I got to visit the monastery, I slept, I read, I had time to know myself.
Now? I spread myself thin, I spend too much time doing other things. Extra curricular things. Teaching classes I don't totally know how to teach.

I lack patience, but I don't want to pray for patience because the last time I prayed for some sort of virtue, I had my butt handed to me.

Sometimes I want to blame caffeine. I love the coffee ritual, I wasn't a coffee drinker until I was 28 (maybe 27) but now I am a full blown coffee drinker.

maybe it's sleep. I love our kids, but they are terrible at falling asleep, especially at this time of year, when the sun is up until midnight. or so it seems. Here on the edge of MST zone, it's still a tiny bit light at 10:30 pm. So they have to fall asleep in full blown daylight. I can't even fish in the evening yet.

waahh wahh. poor me. Just don't pray for patience for me, God already knows what I need but I'm not asking. not today anyway. ugh. just mercy.


Extra curricular activities, cranbrook, holy week.

It's been forever since I blogged and even longer since I thought carefully about a number of things.

I have been realizing just how much I love sitting at home and having breakfast with my family. I have this year been doing 4 meals per week not with my family. 3 breakfasts and 1 supper. I am doing 6 extra curricular music things. 4 school groups and 2 community groups. That's a lot of time outside the timetable, away from my family. I love spending time with my family. We bike a lot, there's a creek nearby to take the kids to for fishing. tidying up around the house and planning garden and chicken things with Laurenn. Doing firewood, tying flies. There's a lot to do at our house and I have been so focused on these career/work related things that I don't have enough time for my family or to sit still and take a bit of time for myself, which ends up not being great for everything else. I tend to do this, spread myself too thin. I think next year I will do much less extra curricular. I didn't want to change everything right away with the way the school was set up, but I know that I can do it differently now. It wasn't a bad setup, but I want to do it differently. Anywho, it will be good to be able to have breakfast with the family more often. We have these great windows to look out at the mountains. Here they are farther than when we were in fernie, but closer than when I lived in the mainland. 20K maybe.
Pascha is coming and I have seen all of this spreading myself too thin as a part of an overarching pattern of doing things that are satisfying to myself but are detrimental to my family. this is generally called selfishness. That was such a clinical sentence, but it's true. I do what I want. I try to make my family do what I want so that I am spending time with them while getting to do what I want, but it would probably be good if I did what they wanted to do. It's a work in process.
It's funny too, I feel like I haven't sat down and had one of these out loud self reflection moments since before I had kids. Not in this way. Not in the keyboard to narrative way.
An old st hermans friend is in cranbrook for a while, so that is nice. Hoping to have more old st hermanites around this summer. And I can't wait to go fishing. Oh how I love flyfishing. More and more each time I go. I look forward to teaching the kids to do it. (see ;)

A blessed holy week to you all!