got to ride my bicycle!

I got to ride my bike...

It was rad. Gregory and I attacked golden ears and made some good distance. I am overtired, and ready for church, since I have conquered my appetites apparently. yup. I have arrived at holiness. congratulate me at church, then kick me in the shins. (in love of course)

riding was great. the weather is nice. I just had a bath and a nap. I finished an essay, have a few small ones to do, and I will be done school for the term. well, my class anyways. I can't wait till its all over. I always get into too many things. I almost wish I wasn't singing the requiem so I could just go and watch it. come to the requiem.


Helm's Deep

Matushka likened lent to helm's deep. I think she is not far off.
today is good, but its like a little respite before the second wave of ugly-ass orcs comes over the hill or through the walls or whatever. I liked thomas's post, it reminded me of the end of all of this. I mean, I know its good, and I remember talking before lent with other people about being excited for it, and I am sure that it is like being excited for tree planting, or a tattoo, or anything that is incredibly difficult but good in the end. now if only I could find where I put that sword that glows when I am about to get smoked...

In other news, there is free snowboarding on friday at grouse mountain, and Jurassic 5 is playing at whistler in april. too bad its holy thursday, I assume we have services all through holy week, and parties at whistler are not a holy week kind of thing.

today I might get my paper done, so I can ride my bike. want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike.



Finally! I got some feedback from my professor/supervisor for my practicum and my journal entries, and I am amazed at how the questions he is asking are making me think. I feel motivated by them, as if there is value in this work. I find the class I am in to be slightly less motivating, because it often gets derailed by surface arguments.

Today for example, we talked about ethics, and there were many good points, but the discussion hinged on the assumption that there was no ground on which to build an ethic. No foundational assumptions were allowed because we are all so diverse in our moral assumptions. but this isn't even really the case! so many people assume a mostly judeo-christian framework for morals, they just can't call it that. not in the academy in canada anyways. its too far left. it makes me want to open up a restaurant. or a cafe of some kind. with books. and a loft to live in. hmmmmmm. where could that happen......



yes I know its spelled wrong.

I went to heirarchical liturgy today with Bishop Joseph, it was cool. what is also cool is that my priest, who is OCA, encouraged me to go. I love Fr. Lawrence, what a great man.

Oh, and any pictures you see of the liturgy of the feast of the annunciation w/the bishop on the antiochian website were taken by me. how cool is that?
I was blessed to take pics in the altar, and that freaked me out completely. I was standing in there while they were all outside. I was the only one in there. FREAKED OUT.

I think I begin to understand the fear of God. I was not afraid, but keenly aware of God, ergo my unworthiness.



seriously. why/how would/could anyone not pray everyday. I mean, honestly some days I don't feel like I mean the words, but I still do.and praying with others? amazing. thursday night prayer at the open house is always beautiful to be present for.
and goodness. as if the prayer that I wanted answered was "...grant me to see my own sin..." right.
well. I know its a good thing. but boy does it not feel so hot.

being is beautiful and hard

rage against the dying of the light.

in an attempt to allow this mediated form of my self to be as honest as possible, we now present a post that goes with the color of the blog. the less than excited version of me.

I love my sister. she is great, we are living together right now, which I am glad for, I doubt it will happen again because of where life will take us, but its great.

I was talking a month ago about getting a cat, because I would like to have one. I would prefer a dog, but I can't offer a dog the attention and time it needs. cats are low maintenance, etc etc, blah blah blah.

Jonny, Tessa's(my sister) boyfriend, is allergic to cats.
I thought Tessa and I had talked about this a while ago, and she didn't say either way what she thought, so when the opportunity came to help a friend who can't keep her cats, I was excited a) to help out and b) to have a cat or two.
I asked Tessa what she thought, and she felt shoehorned into having to agree.
I didn't understand why it would matter, as I have friends who have cat allergies, and I know it would bother them a bit, but I have heard that you can do things to make cats less allergy causing.

all that to say that I was quite angry that Tessa's boyfriend would be the cause of me not getting what I want. I want to get what I want, and nobody should get in my way. I know this is an utterly selfish way of thinking, but its what I realized I was thinking.
Eventually, I began to interpret that feeling in my gut to be telling me that I need to not be selfish and consider that my sister wants to be able to have her boyfriend over, and that in the same position I would not react differently, in fact I would be so vocally opposed to the idea.
So, I am swallowing my pride or my anger or whatever and not going to take them. which sucks. I really wanted to have them.

So, in other news, if anyone wants a cat or two, they arrive on friday and need homes. they are very friendly, hesycats. they pray and venerate icons apparently.

go to Mira's blog for pictures.

Oh lent. bringing all of my darkness to light, hopefully the light will burn it away, but flames hurt. burn to shine right? right?...tell me when its over.



a few more thoughts on the orthomansion,

it will be the first in a few steps towards understanding and being in a community living situation.

we will find a house, all move in together and learn what it means to share life.

We will have to commit to time, money and effort as people, so that it all works out.

Gabe, Rowena and Anselm, Nicole, Dave, Qjesse, maybe seraphim, and anyone else? I don't want to leave anyone out or forget anyone...

how much money do we want to spend per month on housing, including electricity, who is willing to share a room, what kind of expectations do we have...


In other news, I was asked to direct a choir for a cool occasion that is TBA. I am very honored. As well, I have been asked to sit on a board of directors for an arts production company, very cool.

So, I will put more details here, but come to the show on april 9th, its a fundraiser for education in Rwanda, good music and a great documentary.



I rode Cypress bowl yesterday with Tim. It was so fun, I haven't been boarding in two years, but it came back pretty quick. we flew, and vancouver is SO beautiful. We were up on the panorama and skiing above vancouver is so rad. we saw where the olympic runs are going to be. Its going to be beautiful and so fun when the olympics come to town. traffic is going to suck, but its going to be fun. I wonder if we will be able to camp in the snow up there.
I now have a headache, I had a little coffee, so I will have a bit more during class. I like school, Utah was great. we had a good discussion after I spoke, and it was cool. I also got some good feedback from my thesis supervisor, so that is exciting.
I also saw mag and rowena this afternoon, and Anselm, who is going to be my godson. he is cute and fun. he threw my keys at me and hit my right in the head, pretty hard. very funny, but I was glad it was me and not someone random, that would have been awkward, but I like Anselm. he is as cool as his name.


tech details...

Hi everyone,
just a note, I have made it impossible for anonymous to keep being anonymous, sorry, but if you must be anonymous, start an anonymous blog, with nothing on it, or just get a blogger identity. the main reason for this is to keep each anonymous poster seperate, we had I think three different people using the name "anonymous" recently. thanks for reading and all your comments.

oh, and I am home now.


marriage and monasticism


So, we have established a few things.
marriage and monasticism, basically the same thing.
free will, a blessing from God not to be shirked.

I don't know that monasticism is so differently requiring a particular call compared to marriage. I think if we have free will, then we could choose monasticism or marriage because both are intentional ways of moving towards God. I like what the ottowanian said, how it is not holiness for our sake, but so that we are closer to and more like God.

that said, I think what the wildemans have mentioned is good, suggestions or something like that. other people might see potential that we are not aware of.

I don't think strictly arranged marriages would e a good thing.


arranged marriage pt 2

Talking with Fr. Gregory, he said that if you want to know what to ask yourself if you want to be a monk, wonder to yourself if you love God and your neighbour enough to die.
when he looked at me as he said the word 'die' I knew he meant it in every possible sense.
but this must also apply to marriage, which leads me to believe that all of my past thoughts about dating and courting and whatever you want to call it have to be judged as incorrect. Not to say that I regret the relationships that I had, though I do regret moments here and there, nor to say anything bad about any of the women I have dated in the past, they are all wonderful in many ways.

The problem was me and my approach. but I couldn't really know this, and this is what is leading me to think that arranged marriage or some derivative is the way to go.

If I go through life, dating girls with the intent to discover whether or not we should or could get married, I am still using my own desire and choice as a basis for my continuation in said relationship.

that said, if we apply the same principle, generally, that Fr. Gregory was talking about with monasticism to marriage, it should somehow become something other than our choice, because we are so often incapable of making choices that direct us towards holiness. Or, perhaps we should grow up enough to know what kind of choices push us towards holiness. (perhaps you can see my thought process as it plays out here, I am discovering as I write)

what I think I am trying to say is that it doesn't matter whether you become a monk or get married, as long as it is about dying for holiness. This often involves doing things you wouldn't normally choose. Fr. Gregory wishes to be a hermit, but we go and visit often, and he welcomes us with love and joy.

perhaps I just need more time to finish baking in the holiness oven so that I can see past my own desires?

I now see monasticism and marriage in the same light, they are almost the same thing to me, just different versions, or different sides of the same coin. I mean, they look different, but both lead to eternal life through the death of our selfish will. though marriage seems to have a little more possible immediate reward, especially for someone who likes being around women and lots of people in general...but that is just it. life is not about what we like or want, its about God and what is good for us and for the Kingdom, which slowly is conformed to our will, rather backwards, our will is conformed that way so we want what is Holy?



the hill

the hill
Originally uploaded by pasivirta.
come and see my new pics on flickr. some of the monastery, some of new years, and some of the aldergrove Qvice squad.
I think you can click the photo, or the'posted by' thing.


being is beautiful and hard

I have spread myself so thin lately that I must pull the cord before it hits the fan, and then clean up.

I am content, but isn;t lent meant to be slow and soft, low light and minor keys?

instead I have been living at 150 miles an hour, hearing chipmunks singing in the background because the record is going faster than normal.

I go to utah this weekend for a conference, and I am working on selling tickets to the Mozart Requiem.

and, I want to go to church.

Lord, have mercy. breathe, in, out, whew.



We had a great time at the monastery yesterday. I put a chin up bar in my room, and I want to ride my bike, but I am going to do homework again. I love lent.



today I feel content. I know I have been here before, but I here I am again. content.
I did some homework, its windy as can be outside, I am alone at home, and I love life. I am a little sore from sunday's prostrations, bowing so many times that its tiring is humbling in more ways than one.

I might just be finding my legs again, but I probably will see less of you for a while. whoever you are, I will be working and doing homework and being quiet and reading and climbing a ladder. I hope. Its like I get to remember who I am, because I got so busy that I forgot...

currently listening to Coldplay's "I'll see you soon" how appropriate.

I have been living a mile wide and an inch deep for a while now, but I am taking back the mile and going to let it slowly sink into the depths of life.

lord have mercy.



Forgive me brothers and sisters.

lent is here, posting will be a little less. I need to learn to be quiet, to listen more. I will continue to read, but not as often either, as I also need to spend more time on school. I am going to put off my thesis for a bit, so I can do more work in my currently pressing classes and my practicum.

Today was forgiveness vespers, where we all cross ourselves, bow to each other and ask for forgiveness. we line up and do this one at a time to everyone in the church, it is quite beautiful and humbling. humility is a theme for this lent, and for all of them I guess, but it has started with that as a lesson.