So, I have been talking really quickly through my prayers sometimes, and I have needed to slow down. It is hard with prayers that are written out, because like anything I have done more than a few times, I end up thinking about other things while praying. I guess that is part of discipline.

here is one of the morning prayers, it is so full.

O Heavenly King, the comforter, the spirit of truth,
everywhere present and filling all things,
treasury of blessings and giver of life: come and abide in us and cleanse us from every impurity and
save our souls, O Good One.

things I think about this, or, ever changing exegesis,

the comforter, who is with us, who teaches us discernment, who is with us when we bless and curse.

but the part about "treasury of blessings and giver of life" is what gets me. really. when I stop and think about this, I can barely help but be overwhelmed. I have been given so many blessings, and they are all part of being alive. right now, it is snowing like crazy outside, I love the beauty of the earth, in so many ways and places, times, but also here and now, its gorgeous, (and fun)
I have enough food, I have clothes, a car, material things more than I need. I have people that I love and that love me, strewn about this spinning ball, and a good concentration of them in the lower mainland.
This treasury of blessings is from the giver of life, but I still need to have my soul continually brought to closer union with God. when I ask for my soul to be saved, its not because it isn't, but because I am not as close to God as I could be.
I need to be cleansed from my impurities. we all do. it is a process. I always wondered why it was such a cycle, back and forth. sin pray sin pray sin pray, clean dirty clean dirty clean dirty, and now its still the same, but I am learning how and why not to sin in ways that actually spur me towards change and purity through and for God. Its more than merely a weekly carwash, or catharsis. I say that because that is how I used to see it, not in that language, but pretty close.
I love too that I have been instructed not to dwell in guilt when I fall, rather to pick up and keep going, not to ignore it either, but not to be obsessed by my failure, rather to be thankful for grace, and really experience it. that is the intersection of joy and sorrow, grace. sad because I am selfish, and at the same time giddy for forgiveness. exactly the same time. its sobering, but beautiful.

1 comment:

churchmouse said...

amen, brother.