again, I get to start work tomorrow, new weedeater, new leaf blower so sweet. however, I get to be at work at seven. that means up at 530. thank God for work. liturgy was great tonight. I look forward to vespers tomorrow, and liturgy at st. herman's on friday. I really wish we had hardwood floors in our sanctuary. maybe some day.
mercy and peace friends.


new jobs

so, I love my new job(s) I have a friend who always says I should/do run a service getting people jobs and places to live. we'll see about the living thing. anyways, I just worked for 22 hours or something, it was the best work I have ever done. I got paid to look after a kid who was SO well behaved, it was great. I just went to the house, slept on the couch, talked to him a bit, but he was REALLY quiet, so read, talked on the phone, and generally had a good night. I have good friends, my cousin even told me so! for them (you) I am constantly thankful.

today, I also got to jam with a band my friend is putting together, its weird, all of a sudden, I am in two bands, sort of, and its really cool. bizarre, but great. still very excited to go and start moving in, the people we are going to live with/rent from are so cool, very hospitable, very easygoing, and they go to the other local orthodox church. its funny, the mother was asking if my (and my roommates) parents are trying to hurry us up and get us married off, because she was doing that to her son, we laughed and told her not to worry, the "I wanna be a grandma" stick is out from time to time. my mom usually doesn't have to use it often, I don't usually need to much encouragement. I had a great time with my parents last weekend, which was good. my mom grabbed my dreads and wrenched my head around, I think it gave her a little satisfaction, she doesn't dig them too much. anyways. goodnight. I am tired, mercy and peace friends.

best job ever!

I officially have the coolest job in the world. I work for connexus, a company that works for the ministry of children and families, and since last night at 730, I have been working with this great kid. His name is peter, and my job is to take care of him. his mom had to go to the hospital, so I stayed overnight at his house, and now we are doing various errands, playing video games with Tim, going to jam later on and then to choir. I don't know how long I have him, but I am getting paid to do all the things I normally would do (the videogames is more for him, but I don't mind) its so bizarre. normally the kids have behaviour problems, but peter is amazing. very quiet, very easygoing. best job ever. I got paid to sleep, to have a good conversation on the phone, to read. I can't believe I ever shovelled concrete, what a crazy thing. life is SO good. The best part about this job is that I get to spend time caring for people. the young lad is a bit worried about his mom, so I am trying to balance letting him talk about it (which he is not interested in) with giving him things to distract him from worry. anyways, I am so excited. it was a great night, God is so good. I don't know much about prayer, and I know I often rationalize it, but I think he probably answers it in many ways. anyways, mercy and peace friends.


run away! run away!

today I worked. I was at church until three, as per usual ( I love it so much I can't leave until everyone else is gone, I even vacuum the floor, way to teach your son to be a good guest mom and dad-yes they even read this from time to time)

and this person I have never met called me and asked me if I wanted to work. I have a connection with her and the organization, called cannexus I think or connexus or something. anyways, what they do is emergency intervention or something. I mean, it didn;t seem like that big of an emergency to me, but I guess for the kids. They had run away from home in gibsons ( a little town up the coast a ways ) to come to the big city. they were like 15 ish, three of them, and they were at this office, how they ended up there I don't know, but they were there after leaving gibsons last night, and so I went there, and drove them to the ferry, walked on with them, and once I met their foster mom I got back on the ferry and drove home.
now. I love people, and I love jobs that involve people. I can't believe I shovelled concrete for so long when I could have been working with people. I don't care if I make less money ( I do have a loan to pay off, but still ) because I get to interact with people. now, one of the girls was really manipulative and whiny, she threatened a few times to leave and so I let her go, I knew she would come back, and she did. it was like out of a movie. so we sparred a bit, and I let her win when it was necessary, and I learned a little about humility, but I am still confused about the necessity of controlling children for their own good, especially in situations like that. it was nice because the people I work for said if the kids bolt, not to worry, just let the cops know and let them handle it. it was bizarre. anyways, aside from trying to wade through manipulation attempts here and there, it went off without a hitch. who doesn't want to work with people? I don't get it. I mean, to get paid to relate to people? as if that is not the best deal in the world. granted, they are a little harder to relate to than average joe or mediocre bill, but so what? anyways. it was sweet.

a good way to spend a theologically confusing day.I hope it was blessed for all of you, I trust the heavens were rejoicing too.

I am having an amazing meal right now. I learned today that its normal or intended that we are always just a little hungry during lent, and that is fine, but I have not been able to eat properly until today. I made a great soup and I am going to have a beer, since it is easter, sunday, and sort of the annunciation, and because I have one in the fridge. so my soup, let me explain, its got lentil curry, corn chowder and some textured vegetable protein. its sweet. and the beer? shaftebury cream ale, nectar of the gods.

anyways, I am still SO excited to get a place in langley, so close to church. oh, and I will likely go to church with my family soon, fear not.

mercy and peace



So, seraphim smith, an artist friend of mine, finally has a little webspace, check the link on the side, or click on the title of this post to see it. it is amazing.

I am confused in my soul today, because it is coming up to the best day of the year for many people I know and love, and yet I am still going through the season of lent. I want so badly to go and celebrate with my parents, but its such a confusion because I am not really ready to celebrate. I am still, and I guess 'we' is more appropriate, are still dreading the intensity of the suffering of the cross, and its not for a while yet, so to go and dance and sing and be joyful would be awkward and hard, and I don't even know how to articulate it, but its difficult for me to not go and be at church with my folks. I think. its so bizarre, for so many years I didn't want to go to church with them, but now I would like to. I know I will some other sunday when it is not anyone's easter sunday, but its too bad they are on different days. I am glad christmas is the same. I will never be an old calendar orthodox person. (christmas on jan. 6th or something) my parents go to this great black church, well, its not just black people, my parents and a few other honkies go, and everyone is great, its not about race, the style just appeals to energetic worshippers, and my parents, ha. Dr/Pastor Sam is an amazing preacher too. I am pretty sure I would find a home there were I not becoming orthodox.

new haus!!!

yeah yeah yeah! I am so excited, I am going to be moving in to a great new apartment in langley, its SO close to church, walking distance for sure, maybe 10 minutes to walk to church. and, its right next to ralph's farm market, which is sweet, they have such great produce for good prices, and a good selection. And, when my grass cutting job is up, I can probably get a job at the starbucks, which is also within about a minute walk. its crazy, I am so excited. Dan and I are going to live there, and there is room for a third, so we'll see about that. its brand new, laundry machine included, and its bigger than my parents 3 bedroom, but it has only two bedrooms, its laid out smartly so it won't be loud. man, I can't wait. moving on the 15th of April and we will have a hauswarmink partee in may sometime (after the fast) bach was glorious last night. wow. tyson had an amazing post for good friday, click on the eremacausis link. I am still unsure about this blog thing, but I still post so...hm. see you at vespers.

b minor mass

Oh, Bach is so amazing. It was interesting to see how I have been changing. Honestly, the music is beautiful, but it was not liturgical, even though it was. it is so complex, which gives it the beauty. anyways, I loved every minute of it. it was well done, the choirs were expressive, the orchestra even seemed interested, (CBC vancouver orch) it was sweet.then, the post orpheum must, biscuits at mom and dad's.



am I still awake.

haven't I written in my journal yet.

do I feel like we really aren't all on the same level as far as evil is concerned.

does the pain come and go

do I write

do I even ask such questions at this hour. goodnight, Lord have mercy



tonight I really want to be honest, so I am going to go and write in my journal. not that I am dishonest here, but since I try to love so many people, and let them into as much as I can of my life, I have to keep parts of it off this private little thing we call the internet. but of course I can't not say anything. I wish I had phil's poem, it was written by his dad and it should be canonized, its such genius. mercy and peace on this Holy friday.


sad. my motorcycle is having stomach problems too. well, not quite, I think I have the problem nailed, but not sure. I got it to turn over, so it sounds like its not the battery, or the electrical mostly, just the spark plugs are not connecting, so its either the plug wires or the wires themeselves. I am sure you are all maddeningly interested to find out what excactly is keeping my other two wheels grounded, but I think what will happen is that I will make a switch for the summer, putting st herman's taxi to rest for a short time to save some money to make it road worthy again. in the meantime, I am drinking tomato juice, and going to make some lentil curry soup. I have to learn how to do the real thing though, this is mostly a mix. one thing I look forward to someday is regular meals with regular people. our house is such a boarding house these days. we don't do anything together anymore, which is alright I guess, but communal meals are really where it's at. good thing we have church. I am a little confused about how to dread the bottom of my hair, not because it is hard to reach, but because it is a different length than the rest of my hair, maybe I have to wait a while for it all to even out? that would be unfortunate. see you at vigil tonight.

mercy and peace

considerate roommate

today, one of my roommates who was not always the most considerate in the past, is being very considerate. he closed my door so as to not wake me with the laundry (though i was already awake, so all I could do was be thankful. now, he just offered to make me some breakfast, which was so cool too. what a strange guy. oh well. so much to do, I think, I can't even decide. so far to travel, I have to go to vancouver and I want to go to twu chapel, its going to be their good friday service and I haven't been to chapel in forever. I think I will instead go and study for my motorcycle knowledge test. I have to ride it instead of drive my car for a while. nothing really interesting otherwise. since last night anyways. andrew is still in panama, crazy kid. Oh, did I mention I love church? my stomach is not as bad as it was, still recovering though. maybe the overdose on tums was not so smart. peace

blogs, hair, work, health

So, I was thinking, and talking, (imagine that) about blogs today with some friends, and one weird thing about this whole thing is that we mediate our relationships. I mean, there are some instances where this may be a good thing, but maybe not always healthy.

I have more dreads today, lots. Alanna helped me with some, which was good, I was missing a few spots, so she helped me mess up my hair neatly. It was muchly appreciated.

I enjoyed work today, it was actually peaceful, heaving concrete around, passing the bowfloat, I was right on the water downtown vancouver, what a beautiful city. I felt sick all night and didn't sleep well, but then I woke up and was not too bad, so I went to work, and was well enough to work. my stomach hurt off and on all day, and it was brutal during church. oh. I thought I may get through a post without talking about church. (right) but its better-ish now. thanks for all the tips and tricks.

so work was good, my car is ill, I need brakes, shocks and more, so I may just park it for a bit and get out the ol' motocyclette en francais et ride it le around instead of le car. mon francais c'est n'est pas trop mal tout le temps, seulement ce soir parce'que il et minuit plus something.

anyways. feeling better. had an interesting discussion on the car on the way home from a friends haus, two friends in the car, one greek orthodox, and one almost catholic, not quite protestant and in a pinch maybe orthodox (all one person) were talking about doctrine. it really has such a potential to divide, I now understand the rationalists and the people who wanted to get away from religious wars. well, probably not quite the same, but to a certain level. anyways, I am nearly asleep at the wheel. much peace


sick, sort of

so, I only added one dread today. sad. but I am sick and had a ridiculously long day.

funny thing though, because I am sick, I pulled in to a gas station to buy rolaids/tums, which I have now consumed at least 20 of, and I got a job for tomorrow. cash for concrete. so that is cool, as long as I am healthy enough to do it. my stomach is sick, but I don't know how or why.
anyways, presanctified liturgy tomorrow, SO excited. although, if I am sick tomorrow, I am probably not going to fast, I think this is what we are told. I need to check perhaps.

mercy and peace.


shovelling concrete today apparently. I guess I will have to tell them I am quitting after all. I thought we were entering a mutually ignorant stage in our relationship. perhaps they are just stringing me along. oh well. I think cutting the grass will start on monday or something. if any of you are local and need a job, I need a grass cutting assistant. 40 50 hours a week. good times. oh, and biss needs an assistant for her job too, litter control technician. we both get trucks from our boss though, so that is cool. I am singing in choir tonight, so that is cool. work downtown today, starts at 10 am. Thank God for sleeping in a little and getting up earlier than normal.


oh how dreadful!

yes friends, thats right. its time once again to see if I have enough self-overcoming to stick to a project that I have tried a few times before. I now have enough stable work for long enough to do this for real, and I am going to do it. The other reason I can do it is I have a newfound ability to stick to things longer than before. for example, (barring a couple exceptions) I have been on time to church this year. I have never been on time for anything in my life until this year. many of you will attest to this, but honestly, its a new leaf. I have done this before, but never with as much determination as before. I would like to include it in lent, and it may be a part of that, self discipline etc, and I have been inspired by icons of John the Baptist, but I still am not sure, because it is partially a moment of vanity. but, whatever I do, its still vanity, so I may as well do this while I am still at least sort of young. who knows. I have been growing my hair out for a while and planning this for a while, but my south american dwelling friend has recently done himself up in the the knot-so-good coiffure forthcoming, and as he is my inspiration in a few ways, faith and style at least, I have decided to at least begin the dreaded journey. yes, I even had to wash the wax off my hands to type this, because of course I can't stay away from the electrons. I am committing to knot up my hair, and let it stay that way until the locks are just that. Locked in. committment. yes, I can do this. I am committed. ha. I swear John the baptist has dreads in all the icons I see of him, even the strange one in everson, and as such, tyson made fun of me saying something like "even with all this talk of orthodoxy, now you want to be a baptist?" well, he was laughing as he said it. me too when I read it. well, yes and no. look and live like John the baptist, check, get baptized, check, be 'baptist', not soon anyways. I suppose anything is possible, but I doubt I will ever become a baptist. I am home. God Bless all you baptists, keep seeking God, and maybe you should dread your hair after your patron saint. anyways, we'll see how it looks soon. perhaps I will have a spot for a picture when I am done.

One thing I hope God allows during lent is for me to be less religious and legalistic, and more loving and humble. I like that I have to survive it all in community, especially with people like sister Angelina, who told me I was cocky. I need to hear it from people like her, when she said it, it was so great. once a friend and future girlfriend told me I was being arrogant, but they were saying it out of fear and defensiveness, and because they had a vested interest in me, but sister angelina was just saying what she saw, and doing it in a loving, honest way. It was awesome. I think one of the blessings/difficulties God has granted me is to see through peoples motives, even sometimes before they understand them. not myself as easily, but others. her motives were so pure I could barely see them. like crystal clear water.

I am excited for presanctified liturgy on wednesday, a small anglican parish is coming because it is Holy Week in the west. as such, may God grant you peace, understanding of his suffering, joy in the resurrection, humility, and love.


every time I cashed a student loan, I walked around from class to class thinking, 'this is worth it" whatever I have to do to pay it off afterwards, its worth it.

I do love what TWU gave me, I love the friends, the experiences, the learning, the growth and challenge etc, but boy I understand why God suggests that debt is a bad thing. I hate it, its stressful, its hard to justify it especially when I am not using my degree currently, but yes, it was worth it. even though I may go through days that make it seem like this is a year of suffering, I know its not. I am thoroughly enjoying working, relaxing, reading, going to church. It is probably a good thing I am not totally absorbed in school or a thought provoking job, but man I look forward to being out of debt. I may even get a second job, I got a letter from bethesday today, which is sweet, I sent them my "philosophy of care" and maybe I will be working two jobs for the summer, to make up for my half job since november. who knows. that would be crazy and intense. we'll see.

and I guess that is partially true, that I see the church as invincible, I mean, I know it is broken into little bits, but so was Jesus, and he came back with redemption. Perhaps it is not until the endless day, but we will be healed, made whole, and in the meantime we are meant to live in that hope, right?


orthodoxy sunday

I was in the states today, I like visiting other countries. OH! Sarah got accepted to YALE!!!! wow. way to go girl, congratulations, I am very excited. I wanted to pray to thank God for that after vespers, but there was a big lineup of people with cancer who needed prayer, so you all can thank God for sarah being accepted to yale.

st. Innocent's antiochian orthodox church in everson WA is SO beautiful. wow. I was awed. it was, in the better sense of the word, awesome. I was filled with awe, such that dropped did I, my jaw. upon entering and seeing the large icons, hearing the beauty of three congregations (that have an interesting history) singing together, the whole thing was awe-ing. God is so amazing. Honestly, I remember never being this struck by beauty upon entering many of the churches in my past. I wonder why the church I grew up in had no notion of beauty except for two exceedingly ugly and dated banners. Its so strange. shouldn't God's house be beautiful?
I mean, there isn;t one thing that draws me to this house of God, its everything. the community, the beauty of the choral music, the smell of prayer, the touch and sight of icons, the part where we all kneel with our faces to the ground so we don't see the Holiness of God, though we partake of it shortly thereafter because of the cross, the eating together.

I thought about it, and I was thinking that if one wanted to have a party where all the people from the three churches came together, it may not be that easy, but to have a special time of prayer and fasting and worship ( I hesitate to use that word even, strange eh?) that is what people seem to want, and a party always ensues. not terribly lengthy, or elaborate, especially during lent, which is fine, but its great to talk to people and to be a part of their family right away. I mean, I know this happens in other churches, or when we christians travel and meet other christians, but for like five years I have gone to churches that don't do this. I think that may be a big part of why this is so exciting. I know hospitality is SO important, (I had an amazing time with some arabs and some half dutch americans, I love meals!) and that is yet another of "one of the things I love about orthodoxy"

today in church, we celebrated the triumph of iconography and icons over the iconoclasts. it was cool, its nice that history is a part of church life. it wasn't that different, but we brought icons to church and held them and then sort of walked around the church with them. beautiful church. goodness. I want one. "mommy, can I have a church for christmas...Puh-leeeeeeeze!"

really, its not that different, because its christianity, it just looks a little different than what most of us evangelicals grew up with. but boy it looks good!

I have had many a talk recently which has spurred my mind, and it has been healthy, but even though I can;t answer all the questions about the why's of church etc, every time I experience God and His kingdom in church, I am reassured, in fact my doubts are erased. I may get cocky, but I feel like almost anything could happen and all that I would need would be to go to church to have peace (not necessarily happiness, depending on the circumstance) and yes... I am young and should not say such things because I thank God to not have lived through any particularly intense tragedies, but I really feel/think that I have a little bit of the kingdom of God that I get to participate in, and its so freakin amazing, that because I am a part of this community, I think we are invincible. not me, us. you know what I mean? I am not trying to be arrogant and talk about myself, just to express what I see as the community. I love church!


so, the link is the coolest internet radio station I could imagine, if you like the Dave matthews band, thank you tyson, I think that was the best electronic gift anyone could give. strange, this electronic land we quasi exist in.

in other news, Dave has found himself in an interesting place where he is wiling to be at least somewhat vulnerable on the blog, but not so much when actually having conversations with women. generally anyways. He finds that when talking about things that matter like church, which is really what matters these days, it is not so easy to delve into the deep reasons for moving towards orthodoxy, and becoming orthodox, with individuals of the better half of our race. He is not entirely sure why, but it likely has something to do with being safe. oh man, this radio station rocks. see, that is usually what I do (recently) interrupt a somewhat serious conversation to lighten it up with something totally unrelated or an attempt at humour so I don't have to be in such a heavy moment. maybe its just going to take more time. honestly though, the live DMB that this station plays is just amazing. it makes me hyper.

Tonight is orthodoxy sunday, where a bunch of churches get together across ethnic and traditional boundaries to celebrate the triumph of the use of icons in church, against the iconoclastic battles in the 17+18 centuries. (I think thats the time frame) anyways, we are going to a church just across the border, and I am excited. then we bring an icon and wander around (have a procession) with them and sing about icons and how we are glad to have them. I am very content and peaceful at church, and I enjoy learning about all of the new things that happen in this family I am joining. I would like to know all about how I decide things, about why I am able to say this is the right place to be, because in recent discussions with a local thoughtful person, I have found myself to be utterly unable to articulate the why's of this wise guise I am eventually going to put on. I don't doubt it, even through a torrent of questions (which are appreciated) I still am glad to be in this place, even though I can't answer all the questions. I think its probably the way new christians feel, super excited and unable to explain it all. mercy and peace friends,



I was reading the orthodox way and Bishop Kallistos writes beautifully about the passion.

"the true meaning of the passion is found, not in this only (the torment of hanging stretched on wood), but much more in his spiritual sufferings- in his sense of failure, isolation and utter loneliness, in the pain of love offered but rejected."

there is so much here. Jesus failed, he knows what it means to fail, so when you fail, take heart that he understands and has failed his father, and all mankind. or at least he felt that way, I am not sure, but he failed. He was alone and rejected by his father. how often when we are rejected, by our family, or someone we love, do we think that God understands because he was rejected? God, as human, was alone, utterly. even to spiritual death, absence of God. paradoxical, indeed. I don't understand. But when you are alone, rejected, a failure, remember he knows what that is like.

mercy and peace

not bach tonight

but thats okay, its actually going to be done next weekend, on good friday. It is going to be beautiful. I am so excited to sit there and listen, I have not listened to a TWU concert ever I think. I have always been singing in them. speaking of music, wes called and asked me to sing the creation with them. that will be cool, except that the creation doesn't have much in the way of choral music. so much solo work, and the choir just hangs around and sings the odd piece. oh well.

today I am in vancouver with my sister, I dropped off my cousin at the airport, he really had a good time I think. we went to church often, I went every day and he came with me except once, but he said he didn't mind it. he said he came to church with me more often this week than he normally goes with his family in a month. we also had a good time just talking and hanging out. It was great, I think his parents are worried about him, but I see that he has his heart in the right place. Its just hidden under lots of loud music and long black hair, which I understand since I hid mine the same way when I was younger. I also had no patience for my parents and their parenting when I was his age. It was great, he actually said he was going to miss phil, and the rest of the people at church too, but he named phil, which is hilarious, because for those of you who don't know, phil is the WORST for puns. almost worse than my dad.

last night, the canon was finally getting to me. It was beautiful, very penitent. It was great that Fr. Michael did compline (evening prayers) its funny that we wander around from church to church, like a bunch of wanna be monastics who want to get married, trying to find places and times to pray together. a vagabond group of newbies, so excited, well, not all of us are newbies, but its bizarre. I don't know what it will be like when they all leave. a large portion, maybe half, of our little crew here at st. herman's is leaving in the fall for seminary/grad school. five people at least. I mean, its just half of the little crew that we hang out with, so we will hang with others I am sure, but its going to be bizarre and different. I don't know if I am going anywhere yet, I have to wait to find out about grad school. Lord have mercy.

I want to be in school so badly, I mean, working isn't bad, okay, its bad. no, I am fine with work, and will be excited to have steady work in the form of cutting grass, but mostly I want to be out of my student loans, and on to the next stage. I mean, my loans are not huge compared to many others, but they are still big enough.

enough. about that.

I love the way we humans interact. its so strange. media is creating gulfs and depths. I don't get it, but I guess thats because we don't look back on today yet. we have no hindsight for it.

Hiking Golden ears tomorrow. that should be sweet, although it has gotten chilly here today. I can see my breath.
time to eat, I am being cranky with my sis. I am beginning to understand lent and why people talk about how its hard on us. mercy and peace, and God's blessing on you this Holy Week.


presanctified liturgy

So, last night I went to a different orthodox church, it was great. Fr. Michael Gillis is the priest at Holy Nativity Antiochian orthodox church in langley. its actually on the property of a friend of mine from Trinity from the music department. Her family has enough space to have a small church in their barn. It was beautiful, the music was different, more lamenting, but so is ours during lent, the hardwood floors made the acoustics so much more vibrant, so even though there was only like 20 people, it was beautiful. perhaps because of the small group too. because it was a midweek service, we would prostrate fully (knees, forehead on the ground) and we did it for a period of time, instead of just down and up, like at our church, we went down and stayed there. I love experiencing the connection between our bodies and our spirit, or soul (is there a difference?) when I lie on my face before God, rather, when we are all on our face before God, it is a position of weakness, vulnerability, humility and awe. However, when we do it together, it is reassuring, comforting and possible. I know, based on how I see God in my friends, that when we do something together, I can trust both them and God, because the line blurs. The bride of Christ becomes that, we are more than the sum of our individual selves when we come together for God. I felt a little silly, since I am still learning, looking around the first time we prostrated, wondering when we get up, but then after that I realized I would hear everyone moving, since it was dead silent. we don't get much silence 'round these parts very often, so when its gone you know it was there and now its over. it was beautiful, and we knew some of the people there which was cool. vespers tonight, and BACH B MINOR MASS tomorrow. So excited. oh, presanctified liturgy is where the eucharist is already blessed from the weekend, and people take communion.


Church, God, Women, my life

What I mean is, its funny that I tried to write about girls and ended up writing about the church. what a strange corner my life has turned. I am sure its not a bad thing. tonight is the presanctified liturgy at Holy Trinity antiochian church. I love the byzantine music. the church is in a converted barn, if anyone knows of any local forests that are owned by anyone who will let me live there for a while, let me know. I need a few good trees.

read this.

forgiveness sunday in biss's words.


here comes the grass. I will soon cut it. I love the sky, and when it is purple, it makes my heart go all speedy. the backsliders are coming too. and the endless day.


single serving

well. I am finding myself to be content to be alone. I mean, I am not really alone. I have a sweeet church community, which I continuously rant about here, and there is a really cool group of people who I get to talk to electronically around the world, bolivia and ontario and japan and even as far away as langley. So, alone is not really the right word. But, when i was sick, I spent quite a few hours wandering aimlessly around the house, sleeping or almost sleeping, learning how to be alone and be okay. I know there is something that we humans need as far as intimacy and communication and relationship, but I do value the healthy version of that that is not borne out of fear of being alone, and I think that to be content and be alone can be a healthy thing, one that will help me understand that being alone is not something to be feared, especially since I am not actually alone, but always with me is our Father. sometimes it takes a while to remember that too, which is silly, but perhaps its human too.
Also, I know It would take a long time of knowing people well before being able to be with just one person in a relationship like the ones I have been in in the past. I mean, I assume to have that again some day, but I can't really imagine being there now, so for all the pseudo arguing I do with Biss about her stringent policies, (she is my relational guardian angel these days) I don't think I would go against them even if they didn't exist. though, I don't really know that, but I can't imagine it. These days, as my blog will note, I am way more concerned with church than with too many other things, so any girls will just have to wait a bit, until I get over my intense obsession with church, which may take a while. we'll see. Not that I am not going to hang out with girls, as I said in an earlier post, I am a big fan of the better half. right now I am listening to sufjan stevens, a song called "tahquamenon falls", and its so programmatic, or impressionist. It is someone playing a vibraphone (I think) and you can hear all of the individual drops of waters as they play and dance in the sunlight, falling slow motion through the air off the cliff into nothingness and freedom. they revel in it, swirling through the air, laughing as they bump into each other and become bigger and smaller, the sound of their laughter echoing off the rock wall behind them, bouncing around, curling into the ears of the onlookers. its beautiful. music. mmmmm.

speaking of, the music at church last night was gorgeous. we did something called st. andrew's canon, it was long, lots of prostrating, bowing and singing. this is really cool too, at forgiveness vespers, Fr. lawrence changed the color of the robe he wears, all the priests wear purple and gold during lent ( I think) and we sing different music with the "lord have mercy" so its really obvious that we are in a different liturgical period. its bizarre how much it changes the feel of church, apparently now we sing "O taste and see that the Lord is good" during communion too, which is different. the way the liturgy works seems to make a lot of sense.

my cousin made a good observation, which also helps me understand why I like st. herman's. Many churches teach things like don't do this, don't do that, because that is not how christians behave. they have a behavioural morality that is the definition of their faith. At st. herman's, and other orthodox churches I assume, though I know some do the same morality thing, so its not necessarily orthodoxy ( I think) but it was cool for my cousin to point this out, because it is something I appreciate. They focus on the implications of the Gospel, how we are compelled to love each other, not to judge and tell each other what to do. I pray my excitement for this does not translate into an insistence towards anyone that they ought to come to this church. I mean, I want people to see it, to experience God here because it is beautiful, not because I think I am right, and want to be right, that is SO far from the point. I have found love, and want to share it. There are others who will find God and Love in other places, and Glory to God. Godspeed too, keep going! Let's all continue on the path. I went to ukraine on a missions trip with an evangelical church, ostensibly to convert all the lapsed orthodox, and while there I wondered what the orthodox thought of us ev's. they were not happy, and I guess not. here we are, a bunch of christians, trying to make christians out of christians. bizarro. I thought we could encourage them in their orthodoxy, to make it more than nominal or cultural, which it largely is in places like that. oh well. we'll see.

okay. time to go and visit one of the consumer idols, swedish furniture for all, but mostly to see my friends. mercy and peace be with you all.


forgiveness sunday

forgive me, brothers and sisters.
Forgive me for being prideful, for objectifying you, for my condescension, for my inability to be honest sometimes, for my inability to communicate clearly and for hurt I may have caused.

today is forgiveness sunday, so we ask forgiveness of everyone at church, we bow, knees and forhead on the ground, to each person in our parish, and ask for forgiveness from them. it was beautiful. shockingly so. I bowed and asked forgiveness from 8 year old children I don't know, from a nun I know sort of, older men I don't know, my roommate, some close friends, priests, a monk, and they asked me for forgiveness. It was amazing. and we hugged each other. real hugs. real, strong, honest brother and sister hugs. what a place! I love church. it is so full of God. oh, and before we hug everyone, we prostrate (bow) in front of Jesus on the cross, and then go to our church family and ask forgiveness.


if you want to come to a service, check on our website, I have a link on the side, it says my church! or something. our schedule is there, and there is church SO much during lent. I am so excited!

oh, and congratulations sam and liz. its still a trip for me to get through.

mercy and peace!

jobs dot com

so, as per the challenge I issued graham, here is a list of jobs I have held.

1. province delivery boy ('90)
2. dishwasher, red robin ('96)
3. counsellor, morning star wilderness boys fly fishing camp
4. retail pawn, GAP ( I know I know ) I was young and naive
5. butcher shop
6. arborist assistant (tree trimming)
7. section leader choir/band in high school
8. dishwasher, biology lab twu.
9. treeplanter, ontario/BC three years
10.landscaper surrey
11. counsellor campkingsmont MA
12. office staff, administrator camp kingsmont( I know, its true)
13. kitchen staff camp kingsmont
14. bus boy, bedford house
15. concrete placing
16. care home worker
17. child care worker
18. collegium assistant
19. street e co-ordinator ( not really a job, but kind of )
20. house painter
21. newspaper editor, writer, photographer

jobs I have been offered

22. staff reporter, editor. houston today newspaper.(BC)
23. street level sales. slime city!! cardboard box with junk you don't need.
24. volunteer live in house parent for delinquint youth.

okay, so I can't think of other ones yet, but I might later. in the meantime, enjoy yet another list, brought to you by the brothers of north lower, '99-'00, kicking horse pass.

old friends

WOW, so I saw some old friends tonight, it was amazing to see them, so good. I wasn't sure what to expect, but it was great, so good to connect, catch up, and hear all sorts of crazy high school stories. you could say gossip, but it was not malicious, just all of the who is married, who is gay etc, who we kept in touch with, what we were doing. life is so strange, one of my friends is doing religious studies, but she is adamant about not being religious, which is fine, its just strange. why study it if it doesn't change your life? I wonder really how much it doesn't affect anyone who studies it. but it was a good time for sure. I felt really sick though and had to leave, it was strange. I also talked to a friend I hadn't seen in a while, she has a three year old son, and I was...I don't know if jealous is the right word, but kind of happy for her. I mean, she had a kid when she was 19, she's not married and I guess that would be hard, but she seemed to be doing alright, she works for a good friend of mine, which is a strange and small world, but its cool.they are good people to work with.yeah, its weird, a very different reaction than I thought I might have, I was really excited to talk to this girl about her son, I don't know how she felt, but she loves her son, so she probably doesn't worry about what people think as much, though who knows. anyways, it was a good night.

and oh my goodness! I finally found out who sam, a good friend from high school is marrying. Liz, another friend of mine from high school, she was a girlfriend of mine for a very brief time. a few days or something, but its so strange, just knowing the two of them 10 years ago, and figuring how they must be so different now. Its strange not being a part of that circle. bizarre.

lent is monday. forgive me brothers and sisters.


visibilium et invisibilium

After having a conversation with a priest the other day after vespers, I was comforted by the understanding of the church and God and His actions around it, or what is supposedly the case anyway.

Fr. M talked about the visible nature of the church, some of the historical things about it like apostolic succession and authority etc. we also talked about salvation being a communal thing like I mentioned earlier, something that happens in and through the church. But, He also said that God is not limited and he knows that there are many people out there who are not part of the orthodox church, or any church in particular, who love God so much and are seeking Him with their whole lives and He honors that because God examines our hearts, and a heart that is bent towards Christ and his way is what is pleasing to God. Perhaps he sees church as important, probably on some level, but it is not the deciding factor. God is gracious, not legalistic, and its comforting to see that the people in a church that is very ritual oriented, and could/probably does in some cases become very much tied to the rules, sees that life in Christ is not about the rules so much as it is about love, grace and people. the ritual is a response to the love of God, and a safeguard against things like the prayer of Jabez and too much purpose driven activity sheets, prayers for health and wealth etc. sorry, a bit of a tangent. Anyways, I was comforted to know that while the orthodox church understands itself as the right one, it is in a very different way than I first thought, having experienced this attitude before in certain calvinist circles. those outside the church who seek God honestly are not less righteous or less Holy necessarily, certainly not by virtue of their church membership card.

for all you not in the lower mainland, its almost 20 degrees today. happy march, and happy climbing to you rock people.


stolen posts

I stole this from a friend

So...I want to think upon dancing with sorrow, if that is at all possible, because it seems to me that is life, that is worship.

.enjoy the sun and see you at vespers.(6pm)

a new attempt

here are some thoughts about church. This is probably the best starting place, and I am doing this both for you and for me, I need to process this in order to understand it, and to begin to be able to articulate it.

One of the many reasons I love st. herman's and Orthodoxy is that the nature of salvation is SO different from what I have grown up with.

I grew up understanding that I was born with what might as well have been the same list of sins I have today hanging over my head that I need to be forgiven for. Jesus, the great atoning sacrifice, 'paid' for these sins, in a legal sense, allowing me to escape the jail that is my selfish downward spiral towards hell, where I would end up without this forgiveness. I don't disagree with all of this, and I put it simply and in a juvenile manner because I am talking about what I grew up with and understood as a young person. My more recent protestant understandings were basically the same with a little more pizzazz, flare, style and theological/historical (though not much) understanding.

what I am learning about salvation through the orthodox church is that it is worked out in community. we have communal salvation, or we are saved by being a part of the body.

(here is my disclaimer. whatever I may have said about the church in the past, and whatever I say here, if you are not orthodox, that does not mean you are not saved, do not have the Holy Spirit, do not know God, will not be in heaven. on the contrary, I know people who are not orthodox who are my mentors and teachers and models in the faith. that said, bear with me)

because we are a part of the body of christ, and are learning what that means by experience, weekly or daily via the liturgy, communal meals, communal prayers, watching movies together, drinking beer together, reading together, everything we do is part of our salvation which is a process of togetherness.
I think I am repeating myself,
but salvation doesn't consist of my own decision to trust in the cross, I don't think. The responsibility is no longer on only my shoulders, but it is shared with my friends, and it is not dependant on silly things like church attendance, but it is dependant on my soul, and I guess my existential choice to 'be a christian' but that is worked out by membership in a community, and submission to a leader (which is increasingly a hard idea to get used to, since I am one who loves my autonomy)

okay, so I know this is probably confusing, and I think I might actually not post too much more about church, since every time I write I realize I don't know that much about what I am talking about. I could have just said "salvation is a communal thing" but that would be too open for interpretation and too much meaning would be left wanting.

I need more oreos. mmmmm. double stuffed. decadent, perfect for lent, which is almost upon us.

mercy and peace (oh, I am almost better)


what a question!

goodness. 'drea is asking what I want my life to be satisfied by. and at the risk of what was spoken of at dinner tonight regarding this medium and being open, here is the question and the answer.

"what do you want your life to be satisfied by"

Being a Father, Son, Brother, Husband, Friend, teacher, student, scapegoat, shepherd, and artist.

I assume I missed something, but maybe not.

I want these things to satisfy me because they are all on some level ways of knowing God and relating to Him, while at the same time they help fulfill the Love your Neighbour bit too. And they are things I want to do. probably because I see God in them. so its a circle.

I am almost better, I worked today, my fever is gone, though I think I lost weight while I was sick, I surely lost strength. Work was harder today than even my first day. it was bizarre.

Oh! and I got to go to church today, it was so calming and exciting at the same time. I couldn't stop grinning when I was inside, I was so happpy to see all the saints (icons) and to be there with a few of our church members. I still have lots of questions, but it was reassuring. It was as if the Holy Spirit was there, which of course is the case, but I had/have been so cynical in the recent past that its almost surprising. how sad for my past, but how happy that its over, and its okay and even good to talk about the presence of God as a good thing. I love church!


feeling a little better

thanks for asking, posting etc.

I do feel a little better, but I am still going to bed early, unless my roommates succeed in keeping me awake, which seems to be their nightly entertainment.

strange thing this illness, a lot of questions I thought I had answered about church etc seem to have come back around for round two, only they are the same ones. I think.
I am not so sure, but its funny, because if I thought I actually had answers, they seem to have dissappeared. but, is it because I am sick, or is it the type of questions, or what. I will wait a while before I get too antsy about it, and trust that God is still God.

again, thanks for your prayers, sleep well family.


still sick

still dizzy. can't really read well, wanna shave my beard, melting my mind with video games for a short time, sleeping, eating, had a fun little jaunt today to canadian tire to get mirror adhesive, man, this must be what it is like to be old. Survival is a chore, and I just have the common cold. I am such a wuss. man, I have friends, like steve fielding, who has lupus, who spends days in his bed because he is in so much pain. and I complain. and Sarah, who visits the hospital now and again, is if its a trip to the bank, for a chronic stomach thing, and I whine.

and the saints, martyrdom, ascetics? goodness.

I can't even imagine the cross. really, I can't even try.

what a way to start lent. I hope I remember what this small suffering is like (though it seems large to me today)
part of it is the boredom, and I could read, except that I can't concentrate, my brain is overheating ( I hesitate to post, or email because I think I don't make that much sense these days )

so, have interpretive mercy on me.



you may have noticed a lack of comments on the previous post, the first one was just slightly obscene, and if you know me, you know that I am not easily offended, so I made it so you all cannot read either of the comments. sadly, that meant that I hid Tyson's comment, which was a good one. so, sorry to hide your wisdom tyson, it was not my intent.

in the meantime, I am still sick, and am not going to try say anything except that its nice having visitors when you are sick. tim and bethany came by with the kids they look after, and they were great kids. one day, I am going to go and get some kids from the kid store. that's where they come from, right? these kids were smart and sociable too. we roasted hot dogs in the backyard. a little urban outdoor adventure.

so, if anyone knows how to delete comments, or block users, let me know. thanks


True Beauty cannot be seen in a picture.

Beauty requires relationship, which implies or assumes time spent seeing more than one part of a person, specifically more than the surface of someone.

a picture is one moment. I suppose a movie can give a glimpse, because there is some time spent, and the implication of much time too, but I think the media tricks us into assuming beauty is something we can grasp visually, and momentarily.

beauty is not something that can be grasped in a picture.



So, I just heard a tidbit from the new dave matthews band album, its on their website, check it out. it was very cool, very classic DMB, very exciting. other than that, today is the orthodox way reading time, and a dragging myself down to the store for medication.

mercy and peace


the beautiful half

So, nobody had better take this the wrong way, cause there is no wrong way to take this, but man, I love women.

I am finding that I have great conversations with ladies of all kinds, and I am able to do so without constantly wondering at a)my motives and b) their motives. It is so Awesome (what a funny word) to have friends who are girls who are actually friends, and nothing less. A friend is so valuable. so, this evening's post is dedicated to all those women out there who call themselves my friend. let me extend my gratitude for being such, it means a lot to me.

(of course, all you men out there, if I have to go around affirming you too, we'll just fight and you can know that I love you) (the first rule about fight club....)

to a night of getting well.

pray for safe travel for Fr. J and Fr. L, for st. herman's unemployed, for my friend Hilary. oh, and I am ill too, so me too please.

mercy and peace

a cochabamba

This is an email I sent tonight, it is long and ranty, but might expose some more insight into my impending orthodoxy. love and peace or else!

and your question is good too.I am ill today and will respond better tomorrow, and truthfully, I must say at this point I am not sure what the answer is to your question. I know some are unable to see orthodoxy as the place for them currently, but I think it might be because it is not explained well enough, or the listener really is not searching for truth. I do honestly see this as a culmination of my faith journey so far. THE culmination, well... I could not attend any other lower mainland church, at least any of the ones I have attended ( many) with as much joy and satisfaction (knowing that my own is not the goal) as st. herman's. and not too many places have such a healthy grasp of life and how theology is lived out.

on a slightly unrelated note, but not really, are there any orthodox churches in cochabamba? or bolivia for that matter? I was thinking about if I actually did come down, and I were orthodox by then, I would want to/need to find one, if possible. One of the other things about this is submitting to an authority, which I am in some ways happy to say is THE authority, partially because there must be at least one which is the most right, though still human ergo imperfect. Graham, my buddy, is having the same issues, which one, if any, is THE one.

Part of what I will confess when baptized is that I do believe the orthodox church to be the true church. however, that does not mean that its members are the only ones who are christians, and the only ones involved in the kingdom of heaven. what it means is that it is the fullness of the apostolic faith.

you know what is funny? as I am writing this, I am enjoying the questions, and quickly being spun in circles by hermeneutical cycles and doubts.

because it is a matter of faith, right? I am in some ways choosing to believe that this is the right church, true church, fullness of faith, etc.

and I know it sounds SO arrogant, because that is precisely why I didn;t start joining earlier. I didn't want to sound certain, like the arrogant priest I heard talk about orthodoxy. The problem with all these arrogant statements is that they came from humble people. now, I know I have not the same claim to humility they do, so I won't even attempt it.

At the same time, there is a possibility that the things that make it so culturally relevant here, no. I don't think so actually. I know it is culturally laden, but I know it is full of God. full. though one of the problems is that st. herman's is full of thinkers, leaders and doers who sought it out because they were disillusioned, so its kind of like super concentrated for thoughtful people, active lovers of people, volunteers etc. Its mind blowingly full of Love/God.

I don't really know what to say, except that I think its really a good thing, perhaps the best. I can't imagine it not being good for people in cochabamba, children who need love. I mean, I know there are a lot of political strings attached to organized religion, but this is love. I can't explain it really.

These are my rants of illness, I hope they made sense of some kind, I think this might be my nightly post.

lest there be any doubt

My Roommate Andrew, what a great guy! He is so funny. I mean, today he was rather whelmed by a few things, and so ranted towards my direction, which is fine, (not about me) and I figured he was right about said injustices, and as soon as he remembered what he was doing upstairs, he exclaimed something, bolted back upstairs and is forever lost in the abyss that is our house.


how bizarre

Goodness, I have stumbled on the strangest thing, a trail of blogs that webs almost all of my groups of Christian friends, maybe its just TWU, but man its kind of bizarre.
I found out that two of my friends from High School, well, church during high school, are engaged. Sam Bain, a great friend of many years, much patience and a zillion sleepovers and girl/God talks is engaged, and I have lost touch with this group so much that I found out accidentally. I mean, I guess He could be married by now and I might have heard, but wow, its strange how you lose touch. I would love to see all these people again, and probably will once in a blue moon, but its hard to try and keep up a lot of friendships, impossible I guess. But what was strangest is that these people from my church know so many people I know from school, its like maybe two degrees of separation between us. bizarre. The Christian community really is small.

I used to think I didn't like work, but man, I am so thankful every day I get work, it makes life so much better, time is more valuable even because there is less of it. when there is nothing specific taking your time, its hard to know what to do with it. Today was great at work too though, I even slept. It took so long for the concrete to get here that I was reading the orthodox way ( so good by the way ) and I got sleepy, only to be awoken by my phone, at which point I realized I had been sleeping, and getting paid for it, and it was totally legit. My boss was sitting in his van across the street from me. Beautiful!

anyways, I love orthodoxy, and I love my church, but I have such a hard time explaining it to my friends who are protestants, but I still remember the questions, goodness, I still have a lot of the questions, so I am sometimes reminded of my discomfort with the almost unconscious assumption that its really easy to grasp praying to saints etc. I mean, its not like a protestant could come along, hear that, and add it to their theological quiver without a long, slow double take, head shake and many patient discussions (thanks phil-I wish biss was nicknamed kalia, phil&kalia. ha)

anyways, I am still a protestant, I think, although I guess I am an orthodox catechumen, so I am in theological, well, theohistoricotraditiometamorphosis. and if I ever get an advanced degree with three letters in it, I will use that word in a book.

how can you eat yer meat, if ya have na' had any puddin!?!

(we don't need no education...)


the orthodox way

So, I have been reading the orthodox way finally tonight, and before I write the two quotes, I wanted to write about how sitting in my room, listening to renaissance choral music (all western-roman) with the candles burning at the icons, and reading was the best thing I did all day, and it was finally me getting to be me and relax about it. it took so long to get there, its annoying, but when you have a whole day its hard to remember what you have to do. It was/is beautiful, but I had to interrupt to share some things. also, I thought it was funny that when I noticed how much I was enjoying just sitting and reading, that I wanted to go and blog about it, how silly is that? anyways, I will soon be reading again, but in the meantime.

"While appreciating the inadequacy of neat classifications, we may say that the Spirit is God within us, the Son is God with us, and the Father is God above or beyond us." (The Orthodox Way, Bp. Kallistos Ware, P33)

as well, I picked up another tidbit that helps me understand the eucharist in such a way that is really calming to a westerner-mid/ex-protestant. Granted, he is doing trinitarian theology here, so I am proof texting some, but if I am wrong perhaps my orthodox types would type a typologue. okay, how about a comment. anyways,

"As at the annunciation, so in the extension of Christ's Incarnation at the eucharist, the Father sends down the Holy Spirit, to effect the Son's presence in the consecrated gifts." (Ibid p 37)

Man, what a rollercoaster ergo great day. I mean, it was hard at points, but I am so hyper right now, and yet calm. Its bizarre. Oh Holy Trinity, your love is like a rollercoaster. ( A bit of a bizarre combo of prayer book and Red hot chili peppers. no irreverence is meant though)

mercy and Peace for a Princess

welcome links!

well, I figured out how to add links, so there you are. I am also looking for creative ideas for a stag, Des is getting married soon, and we need to embarass him creatively, lovingly and thoroughly.

I made cookies...and after typing that I remembered them and found them to be burnt beyond rescue. dang. steele and I 'put' them outside for the birds/coyotes/bears (did you know we had bears here last summer? right in the yard)

I just made perogies with onions and another batch of cookies, they worked this time.

I will eat, and read perhaps.

pray for me, a sinner.