I like people

can anyone tell me how to put the links at the bottom of the right hand side of my blog? I see it popping up everywhere, and I being not html pro, do not know how to do it. I had coffee with andrew tonight, and it was fun. I like the caffiene shooting out of his eyes, I had to duck though, or I would have been burned through with a "lazer"
Matt and Hil are surviving, they are looking at a counselling option in the states, though it costs money, which many of us music degree types are not full of.
bleib bei uns, denn es will abend wirden. (Abendlied, J G Rheinberger)


so, since lists are on my mind, and my blog, well, one so far, its time to add another one. I agree with many that Rene Girard has a good idea when he talks about violence, but I also agree with many who say he tries to take it to too many arenas. However, I wonder if I get scandalized (on my own terms of course) when I think about how many of my friends are married, or are getting married. I mean, I can be content for days without thinking about being single, and then when I am confronted with the opposite of being single, its like seeing a kid with a lollipop that I don't have. I want it because he has it. I mean, I know God made us this way too, and you know what is funny, I still feel like I shouldn't want to get married or have a girlfriend. I mean, its like a catch 22. I know there is a time to be alone, and a time to get over the past, but is there really a time to be lonely? I know God is with me, and I know that he is even when it doesn't feel like it. But man its hard to live in that place. trusting the opposite of my emotions. goodness, its almost february. soon it will be summer I guess. and then fall. but first, lent. two weeks til lent.

And then I wonder if it is possible to have a community of people who just live together and church together, like a monastary that was not permanent, not secluded, and included people who might become or already were married. living in a building near other people, downtown or something like that. who knows. I guess anything is possible, right? its funny, having a day off is relaxing, but I can't find my book, and that is really driving me up the wall. I mean, I am sure its good for me somewhere that I am so absent minded, but I would like to read.

Okay, I just edited it a bit, but thats okay. Tim stewart can't speak properly, he just said " we'll have to save that one for cool" yup



so I know it is getting redundant, but wow I love church. I was having a hard time understanding why people talk about Mary as 'sinless' because as I understood it, she was human, and as it turns out, I was right. She was human, she is the first of all saints because God chose her and blessed her with the Holy Spirit in such a way that she chose to honour God despite her human nature. She is not considered a 'sinner' the same way I am not considered a 'sinner'. I sin, but that is a sad occasion, and not because I want to (please understand, I know I choose to sin, and am a sinner, but bear with me)
A sinner was understood in the new testament to be someone who sinned "with a high hand". Someone who stood out on the street, shouting, saying, proclaiming, "I am a bad mutha, and anyone who thinks I should do otherwise can go and..." etc. they sinned with glee, probably like st. mary of egypt, who made it a habit to try and seduce pilgrims, so as to destroy thier faith. she later repented and became a saint ( ask someone else for the details)

but she sinned and knew it and was proud of it. We who are christians, are not sinners, because our identity is wrapped up in Christ, and our desire to honour Him. It is not wrapped up in the pleasures of rebellion against God.

So, I learned that Mary is holy, based on her ability to listen to the Holy Spirit working within her, not because of her own merit. She like us, committed errors and needed redemption (from her own son, how bizarre)

and having it explained to me was great. I love that the people here care enough to try, and that they understand protestants and their qualms about orthodoxy. I think it was theosebia who said she was too protestant for the orthodox, and too orthodox for the protestants. I mean, I have the comfort of being a catechumen, which I need to remind myself of often, but it is a fun place to be in. Alana keeps on reminding me I am engaged to the church. Indeed, and I am so excited, because its such a great place to be at. I am so excited for commitment, even though the more I get to know, the more human the church is. Its beautiful.



I have begun to realize the meaning of being self focused. I mean, its something that is REALLY hard to get away from. more and more I think about people, actually reflect on them, people I have not done this with, and I realize, "wow, they are human too" usually I see them in relation to me, as far as what they are to me. Are they my friend, in what capacity etc, but recently I was reflecting on a friend of mine from my dorm in first year, and I have not spoken to him in a long time, he is over in england apparently, but I realized that he is a person with a lot of people that he relates to as the center of his perspective. I mean, I know its obvious, but every time I realize another of my friends is actually different than I perceive them, It strikes me as odd. I mean of course my perception of a person is not the actualy reality of who they are. Even more so with God, but I can't even begin to go there yet.
When I apprehend someone with my eyes, and even after knowing someone for a long time, it still is hard to know who they are, and to see someone as they are, not as they relate to you, is even harder. I don't even know that it is better, perhaps just different, but I think its good to see people this way, because it helps to not objectify people. anyways,

Please, continue to pray for Matt and Hilary and Sarah in oregon, and Joel in Kelowna.



Please, pray for Hilary Beukema.She is under intense emotional distress, pray to Christ our God for mercy and peace for her. Strength for her husband Matt, and if any of you know of intense live in Christian counselling, let me know.

Also, please pray for Joel Springer, my cousin, who is also ill, physically and now a little bit psychologically. he has some anxiety over being physically ill, enough that his blood pressure is way up and he is getting slightly paranoid. He is a dear friend to me and has influenced me much in my growth as a young Christian. As Matt is dear to me too please pray for both of these men and their lives right now, that our Loving and Compassionate God would have mercy on them. Thank you.

Lord Have Mercy.


sleepy time

I guess I slept through a free pizza dinner. bummer. oh well, I am going to church tonight, which is better than pizza. Work was good today, as I left work, it was a great feeling, having worked and having been busy, and knowing I will not be poor in the near future. I also looking forward to playing music with seraphim and the others. I have found many blogs of friends, and would link to them, but I can't figure out how to mess with the template yet. I am not html savvy like that yet. one day.


In spite of a let down

Today has been a good day. Work, food, friends, sun, car,

many things to be thankful for.
thank you.


London calling...not

So, I got some weird news today, i was rejected from U of Western Ontario. Dang. that sucks. I am not really sure what I will do next, i mean, I am still applying to Laurentian, but I really wanted to go to london (ON) so...yeah. maybe I can pay off my loan and move to south america. ha. who knows. I don;t. I do want to go to school though, so maybe I will wait and see with Laurentian. I could start correspondance with them sooner too. we'll see.


"st" lewis


"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased"

Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.

sucking the marrow out of life

so, I want to eat good food, smoke my pipe, talk to friends, play music with them, pray with them, sing with them. I want to live extravagantly, deeply, richly, fully. But I don't care about doing it with wealth, I just want to do it with my friends. I could go to the market in cochabamba and get food for dinner, fresh fruit maybe. Or ride a motorcycle through the mountains with no shirt in august. Or flyfish in montana, spend an entire day reading some obscure philosopher because it will make me sound like I live on the left bank and wear black. I want to be married and take my wife out for dinner, to make her breakfast in bed. I want to live with my church family, to live so that people outside the church see God. To make choices that are right because they are,not because I feel like it. I don't want to bow to my emotions any more, but of course I do, because I feel like it. emotions are strange things.
anyways, I guess its like what st. paul was talking about. doing and wanting and not wanting and doing and not doing etc. I can't wait for lent, but what I really need is to be saved from myself. anyways, I hope I work tomorrow. I should start reading again, it has been a while. the house is great, looks so good, and it is basically sold, so that is good too. two more months.

Thoughts at Midnight

okay okay, so I got this idea from www.grahamyates.blogspot.com

but it was funny and comforting. empiricism at its height.

Churches I have attended.

1.Granville Chapel
2.St. John's Shaughnessy
3.Burnaby Christian Fellowship (longest attendance)
4.Langley Vineyard
5.Vancouver South Vineyard
6.North Langley Vineyard
7.St. Matthew's Anglican
8.New Life Community Church (Christian Reformed)
9.Langley Canadian Reformed
10.Houston Canadian Reformed
11.Smithers United Reformed
12.Willoughby Canadian Reformed
13.Willoughby heights United Reformed
14.Langley Baptist
15.Langley EV Free
16.Ft. Langley EV Free
17. new Apostolic Church (langley)
18. Arnold Community church (MB)
19. Willingdon Church (MB)
20. the one on McCallum road off the freeway-MB?
21. Broadview EV free (salmon arm)
22. Dwelling Place
23. Finnish Pentecostal church
24. kelowna Bible Chapel
25. murrayville community church(MB)
26. Nexus
27. point grey community church
28. point grey united church
29. dunbar heights baptist (RD Bart's church)
30. coquitlam alliance
31. white rock christian fellowship
32. the church in hope where dan preached
33.glad tidings
34. bible fellowship assembly (timmins)
35. glad tidings sudbury
36. that TV church my relatives go to.
37. the finnish pentecostal church (sudbury)
38. spring bay pentecostal (Manitoulin)
39. that little ev church my grandparents go to


40.Choteau Presbyterian


41. Lutheran, Great Barrington. *
42. Calvary Chapel, Great Barrington.
43. Evangelical Free, Pittsfield.
44. Catholic, Stockbridge

more BC

45. St. Joseph's Catholic, Langley
46.finnish lutheran burnaby
47. glad tidings vancouver
48. coastal church


49. alliance church, bellingham
50. sarah-jo's church bellingham
51. ben newman's church, seattle.
52. Mt Baker, little church at the junction.


53. St. somebody of the waves, Lutheran
54. sarah's baptist church in Salem


55. Tim's EV free church in freemont
56. Presbyterian church in sarah C's old hometown


57. International church, Dnepropetrovsk, Ukraine
58.Praise church, Krivoy Rog, Ukraine.
59. other EV church in Dnepropetrovsk.

60. St. Stephen's Cathedral, Vienna Austria.

more BC

61. Northview community church, Abbotsford
62. Pacific community church
63.Peace Portal alliance
64. south Delta Baptist
65. Tsawassen United
66.Holy Resurrection Orthodox
67. St. Herman of Alaska Orthodox (!)
68. Cedar Hills MB, Delta.
69. Westminster Abbey Monastary, Mission BC (Catholic)
70. south langley MB (Janzens' church)

I also attended an LDS service in massachusetts, but they don't quite make the cut. it is a church, but they believe enough heresy to be on a different list. They are beautiful people, and understand the commands to love God and People better than most, but their doctrine is wacky.

In any case, I really like reading Graham's version of this, so I hope you enjoy this little bit about me.
the evangelical way seems to be christian pluralism eh? not for long. St. Herman and Orthodoxy, Here I come!

Its a beautiful day, and the sun is shining. I am going outside.
mercy and Peace


no time

I love church. sister angelina said some good things tonight, I hope to hear more wisdom from our very down to earth monastic community. it was great. and then dinner afterwards was good too. see, even though we go to an orthodox church, we can still go to swiss chalet afterwards.


psalm 104

So, yesterday at vespers, I got to read the psalm. It was very exciting, and I am not entirely sure why. perhaps it doesn't matter. anyways, it was really cool. I love church.
tonight we played settlers of catan, it was great, no wait, it wasn't bad. I lost worse than I ever have before, but seraphim was over to jam, and man, his songs were really good. I was impressed, and even felt them. so then we played settlers, and he took over for desmond and he won, after I traded him some sheep. I need to go to sleep now, and I have to change my habit so I pray in the early evening instead of just before passing out.
I worked today, thank God, and it helped my stress level to continue to subside, but I didn;t even know I was stressed on that level until I felt the relaxation from having worked this week, almost 20 hours. Working was so relaxing, oddly enough. aside from that, it sounds like there is a naam trip brewing. OH! party at the mountain house, the last one, the house-cooling party is going to be next friday, a week from today. bring all your friends, and some of theirs, and their sisters and brothers.
mercy and peace


Goodness. I love church!
Tonight I went to vespers at TWU which was antiochian in style, more byzantine than I am used to, which is cool. I got to read the psalm, which was awesome, so exciting. and we sang such cool music. one thing that I really dig about it is that it is slow. we get to spend time doing everything, slightly slower than at st. herman's. I love st. herman's, it sometimes feels like we are rushing, and I love being with God at church, the way we come together as the ecclesia a la the explanation of Alexander Schmemann, manifesting the bride and body of Christ, its so beautiful and beyond explanation.
and then to andrea's after, its just more church, a different kind.

OH! and the explanation that Fr. Michael gave about the holiness of space, it was so awesome.
He said something like "when we bless a place, or use icons, it affects us in such a way that we are able to perceive the presence of God more effectively."
I guess it is not that God is not everywhere, but that we see Him better when we are looking for him, via icons or prayers of certain kinds. God, through the incarnation, blesses matter and space and time and our existence even. I love church! ahhhhh! (this is me screaming electronically and late at night (for excitement)

I doubt I will be able to sleep, but its probably the sugar in my corn flakes. off to bed after prayers, remember steve and sarah, and john, and the family of Graham in Timmins ON, who has a few months to a year to live with leukemia or some kind of cancer.

mercy and peace



Okay, so I have no idea if I get to go yet, but man I am so excited, I just looked at the classes for next fall, and they look SO cool. for anyone who is interested
click here

see you at vespers

oh, it was so good to have a small conflict that I had almost not noticed be resolved. DW, my roommate and I talked through some stuff last night, and it was really healthy. I had been kind of selfish by thinking it would just go away as soon as the house sold. man, I have changed a lot. I used to never let anything like that get away, I would always get on it right away. anyways, thanks D



arranged marriage

Today, a co-worker of mine offered me his sister, he wanted me to marry her. I asked where she lives, he said...
mexico. I asked if she goes to church, he said yes, and then I just laughed as he talked about how he would send me her yahoo info and how the internet would be our way of communicating. I was flattered though, he seemed sort of intent on me marrying his sister. he mentioned my sister, at which I laughed and said it probably wouldn't happen.

the simpsons have distracted me, but I was thinking about marriage (as I have been known to do at least once)

and, when I first heard that arranged marriage was still happening from time to time in the west, I thought that was insane, because I don't think my parents would be able to pick someone that would match me well enough. I don't think they know me that well.
however, there are some people who I know know me well enough to know if certain people would be good for me, and I for them.
honestly, I just don't have the energy for any sort of pursuit, or any relationship like that right now. I remember the beauty and the mess, the reality, the work, and the moments that I will never regret. all this and more I remember from the most recent relationship, and I can't actually imagine what it would be like to be with someone else. I suspect it will happen one day, but man, it just doesn't make sense.

prayer too has been on my mind. I have to pray before I get too sleepy. I appreciate the liturgical prayers because they help me to get over myself, and to do what I know is right, regardless of how I feel. self-overcoming, towards christ-likeness.

today I feel as tired as I did some days when I was planting. goodness. goodnight.



last night I watched most of a documentary called "some kind of monster"

It was amazing.
It chronicles about a year in the life of Metallica, the baddest assed heavy metal band out there. Now, I love music, I have studied it a bit, and I listen to it nonstop. Metallica, for all its difficulty to listen to for many (it's loud, no matter the volume level) they are amazing musicians, creative and talented. They are not Bach, but they recognize his creative genius, and sometimes emulate his fugal techniques.

the thing about this documentary is that it shows family dysfunction at its best/worst, and how they got through it. James H, the band's lead goes to rehab, they lose and gain another bass player, they fight, oh do they fight, but not like the morons on orange county choppers, but they are slightly manipulative, a little afraid to come out and say stuff, and they are controlling, accusatory. Its just like a family. They have a therapist that spends time with them ( I think I could have done as good a job, perhaps I am too arrogant, but he just made them tell the truth about what they were saying. he spent most of his time saying "what does that mean?" forcing honesty out of them. but the journey is amazing and real.

the thing I like best about it was the honesty about the futility of the rock and roll lifestyle. They show that family life is better and more challenging and more adventerous than getting drunk every night. perhaps I will have more to say later, but the battery is about to die.

see you at vespers.


=equality= +epiphany+ "egregery"

no, not really what I am going to talk about, but its a fun title, no?

I went to become an extra in movies tonight, to a workshop. what a strange industry to be in. bizarre. I don't really want to be in it that much either, I just need to work more. Its funny, I have been realizing that I am not very financially stable this year. And I think its due to feeling like I am obligated to my job. I don't get work that often, so feeling this way is really ridiculous, they don't actually care about me, but I seem to care about them. it makes no sense. how ought I be a christian about it? I think taking care of my debt in the most expedient way will be more christian than letting people hose me over with a job that promises to be better in the future. oh, the shins are on now, new slang, I am so overplaying this song these days. I love it. Garden state was okay, but the music was amazing. I have to turn it down, its too loud. This week I might find out about laurentian U. purpose, we are all dying to have purpose, or goals or plans. we want to know where we are going, and I think that is why I am sort of content to not have enough money in the moment, because I have a safety net, and I am applying for jobs, and getting them too, but they are all part time or on call or something like that, which is cool, but not really enough. why is getting a job hard? I mean, a real, normal, steady, good temporary job that my degree qualifies me for. HA. I think I just answered my own question. oh well, I figure that if I am poor enough for long enough, it will teach me how to live below my means. and it will keep the girls away, for now. maybe I will get a job as a prof one day, then I won't have to worry about it, but can I use that as an excuse for my current situation?

I love church, we talked about fasting the other day, and I learned that it is all about love, so if I am reading labels in case I might ingest a little dairy, that is too much legalism. and if I really have to eat some protein for the heavy labour I am doing, that is fine, ( I am loving my employer that way) but there are ways of doing the fast properly too, and we are all doing it together, and the MAIN point is prayer. Fasting and prayer always go together. love and prayer. If someone offers meat during the fast, don't refuse hospitality, just eat it. love your neighbour. and if someone else is fasting, bless them and do not judge ( like I did last week ) they are trying to honour God. I have been having to relearn that it is the hearts orientation towards God that is of prime importance. the thing about the orthodox church is that theology and practice is also really important.

I am going to watch the metallica therapy documentary now with the boys. happy V Day!

st. valentine

oh st. valentine, who are you, and why did we do this with your day.
its still madness here at our house, Their are now parents involved, and when I awoke and said "good morning!" with an honestly happy and slightly chipper tone, a smile on my face, all I got from one of them was an almost disinterested glance at a watch. yeah. I definetely want to be here helping. well, i will for a bit, but then I have to go and prepare for IDIS. I need a good discussion today, I think its our last one.

The weekend was good, but I still need another job. oh, and I think I have some orientation thing for being an extra tonight, but I also scheduled time to hang with friends. d'oh. I am a master of multi-booking. anyways, later



Today I went to a wedding. Orthodox wedding. wow. SO cool, at first I was appalled by the lack of a kiss, as most weddings are finished by "you may kiss the bride" but nay 'ere.

What made it make sense though was that the whole thing was centered around Jesus and the Gospel. Someone commented that the whole thing was very scriptural, and it was.

It was beautiful, I look forward to more orthodox weddings, including far off in the distant future, one I may participate in.

In the meantime, singlehood awareness day strikes again, and that is fine. I will be hangin with some cool girls, perhaps my platonic stalker from orangeville for a little brew ha ha on commercial drive to give us our fill of pretense for the week.

The wedding is all about how it points us back to God and his gifts to us, his son, his sacrifice, the bride of christ, the church.

in any case, it was awesome. my speakers, okay, they are not mine, are a little fuzzy. that is bad news. had a good time last night with some cool girls and my roommate, we ate good dinner, and went to an avant garde jazz improv thing, which, was not quite what we were expecting, and got ditched by the people we were supposed to hang out with. the music was, well...noise. don't get me wrong, they were creative and talented, but once you have heard one avant garde performance, (wearing all black of course, snapping and thinking about sartre and "the look")
you have heard many of them, and that is enough. so we left and went to a more boorish peasantry oriented place, bubble tea. it was good, we laughed and then we went home to watch eternal sunshine. instead I got an email from Rox, which was hard to read. I wish she could hear what I have to say, but no matter what I say, it won't change what has to be, and that is nothing. and, I can't help her feel differently either, it will just take time. It was hard, and still is. there is no real difficulty (well...) in not being with anyone, still healing from this. I pray her peace and mercy.

Also on your prayer list is Sarah for her stomach, Steve for his back, Des's uncle's cancer, work for Biss and for Anya, Sid is travelling, Paula, and through your prayers I will grow in humility. (ahhh! yikes)

Mercy and Peace



In the name of me.

One of the things I had such a fear of and the main thing that kept me from becoming a catechumen was the condescension of some orthodox friends towards evangelicals and protestants. I saw this and was hurt by it, and knew I never wanted to do that. Granted, some of these people were looking at evangelicalism from the outside completely, being cradle orthodox, but some were not. I, having grown up in a church that used to be a skating rink am used to boxy, ugly, pragmatic, dual triple etc, use facilities, where one might just as easily sing praise to our Father as converse over coffee, as rollerskate/blade in circles, spend the night starving for world vision, as watch a concert, put on a non-halloween halloweeen party.

The Holiness of God's house has never really been an issue for me, I never really noticed it, and I see it a little differently now. I should not be so certain and arrogant as to know that God scoffs the same way I do. In fact, when his people sing his praise, even when they are singing about how they sing his praise, he must see that their hearts, while perhaps being affected by egocentric music, are trying to love him.

I saw this last night at a church I had grown to disdain. I left it many times angry, self righteously so, because they were so crazy and backwards. be that as it may, I prayed before going there last night because I knew if I didn't I would be a judgmental person, and when I went in, I saw many people, trying so hard to please God, to honour him.

I still think their theology is a bit wack, but their hearts are beautiful.

I have judged a little too often and a little too close mindedly, and must say forgive me brothers and sisters,

more soon



wow. As if vancouver is not the most gorgeous city around. goodness, I spent the day working in the yard, painting and shovelling dirt etc, vacuuming and most of it with no shirt because it is so warm out. IN FEBRUARY! its gonna rain tomorrow, and it snowed last sunday, but man, its sweet. now, I know it may be a result of Global warming, which is bad, but they say it is an el nino year too. so, despite the negative sides of it, I am still enjoying the beauty of it. working with the guys on the house, cleaning, burning the mountain of wood I had such high hopes for (lots of backyard bonfires this spring) alas, it is the end of an era.

oh well. honestly, I can't believe its february. that's okay though. I dig it. and you know what, all I hear on the radio is valentines schlock. well, you know what, thats okay. Its time to not be worried about that. Last valentines day was beautiful, and this one will be mostly just another day. I like every day. yesterday was great, today is great, tomorrow it will rain, and be equally great.

the cd player in my car is broken. what a tragedy (hear the sarcasm) though I am nearing 'poverty' (debts, no work etc) I am still SO RICH, both materially and other. I have enough food all the time, I have many friends who love me, and I have many roofs over my head. goodness that I even have a car is amazing. context is everything eh? I will not be at vespers tomorrow night, and I am not sure how I feel about that, excited to sing with nate et al, but I haven't missed church in forever, because I love it so much. I think it will be okay, remember to pray for sid who is travelling, and Fr. Justin who is still sick I think. oh, and steve fielding has lupus, for your own prayers at home. peace to you all
oh, and go here

et incarnatus est

you know, no matter what, i still like latin, perhaps it is the loftiness.

ol'right, so today its the sacramental nature of the church that gets some attention. I tried to explain this a bit to my uncle yesterday, but I didn't do very well, and I was thinking about it recently.

I have taken the incarnation of God for granted my entire life. I grew up focused on the fact the Jesus died on the cross for my sins. A legal exchange that benefits me, to be crude, but that is how I grew up seeing it. Of course I grew to see it larger than that, but that was basically what I saw.
Recently I have been overwhelmed by two things. one, I missed that its only a little intense and earth shattering that the unknowable, unfathomable, immeasurable, invisible un/in/over/everythingable God of existence decided to bless his human creation by actually BECOMING a part of it. He baptizes his creation and everything in it by participating in it. Matter matters. Physicality is a good thing, Jesus had flesh. God created and experienced, being a gendered human and all that that entails. I doubt Jesus ever experienced physical intimacy the way we all talk about it, but can you imagine anything more intimate and physical than when the woman washed his feet with her tears and hair? Jesus transformed water into wine, a very physical thing (this after everyone was either close or past drunk) (and yes, the wine was wine, not juice, juice is a very recent invention, along with the refrigerator)

I was in a church yesterday where my mom works in an office rented from the church, and their sanctuary doubles as a gymnasium. For the first time in my life, this was weird and seemed irreverent. I was slightly uncomfortable, because a space that is set apart (apparently) for worshipping God is not really set apart. (set apart=Holy)

I asked my mom about it, because her and someone she works with said "yeah, isn't it great?" so I asked her if she thought it would be okay to play basketball in the Temple in Israel? in the Holy of Holies? not so much.

And I think its because we (I think I still am a bit of one, though its quickly dying) protestants are all about pragmatism, and not really that concerned with the incarnation and the holiness of space and of things. Because we are so affected by enlightenment rationalism, an object can't really have been blessed and given anything other than its merely physical properties. but goodness, why not? do we worship God? or enlightenment thinking. ( It takes a while to realize what controls our assumptions)

Silly concrete, no work today. our house is nearing completion, its getting back in order, and it looks SO GOOD> you will all have to come to our house'cooling party, its going to be the biggest and best, but don't touch the walls, or you will be painting them again. just kidding, but it really looks good. I am going to have another fire today.

In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king. (tom waitts)

peace to you.


like I said

right, I love life. Being towards death is such a strange thing, one of my roommates has an uncle about to finish his human being, and start another kind of being, and its strange, because he is relatively young for someone about to die, though it is sort of expected as it is a terminal illness, it is still hard.

Lent. hard. the death of Christ, the temptation of Christ. These are merely my thoughts and are slightly more related to my fasting experience of advent, but our lent, the eastern one starts march 14 and goes to May 1, which is when pascha is. For those days, we are all eating vegan. its really hard for me to do that, and I wll probably eat easter supper with my family, though we will see. The point of fasting is love, so if you are being unloving to someone by not eating their food, eat it and love them. U2 is coming on Holy Thursday and Good Friday. No, I am not going, I am going to go to church, oh I am so holy. yeah, right. but it would not be right to go and enjoy a revelrous, bacchic, dionysian party on the eve of the death of Christ. I think. In any case, I guess I don't know that much about it, being so young in this, but perhaps one or more of my faithful readers will comment on it, with some things behind lent. I saw a friend of mine with ashes on her forehead, and it was kind of cute, I poked fun at her for being 'western', such a clever theological stab. but then I thought that in Matt 6 it says we are supposed to keep quiet about our fasts. anyways, Lent is apparently harder than advent because there are no fish wine or oil days. doing construction on beans will certainly stretch my faith, because as it is, I have a hard time doing it properly on wednesdays and fridays if I am working. getting enough energy just doesn't seem possible without heavy amounts of protein and Iron, I know St. Herman did it, I will have to learn to Trust that its possible, and to get a good nights sleep. ha. responsibility? I have to take ownership of my fatigue? oh, okay. I am still addicted to "new slang" its so...travelling/home/nostalgic, but its so new. anyways, goodnight, it will be early today. happy thursday, eat meat while ye may (oh, Andreas was good as it always is, and our waitress now knows my name. I will feel important and like a regular, just like phil :)

I love life

Today, I worked, argued with my uncle (whom I love, respect and admire, though he is arguing from a decidedly protestant point today) and it was fun, went to vespers, and when I came home from work (no chronological correctness today) I just sat in my chair and breathed. It was awesome, relaxing. I am so content these days, I really am. I am looking forward to lent with fear and trepidation, as well as with the anticipation of Joy. I will soon talk at greater length about it, but in the meantime, you get to know that today was a great peace, hard work, communal prayers, good food with good people after church. Oh, and my cousin is going to come and visit in march. Sweet!



Every day.

I think its something I grew up with in church. People, having an ecstatic, cathartic experience, "spontaneously" as a result of the Holy Spirit, choosing them specifically, time and again, week after week. It was a protestant liturgy. I think its probably a result of some sort of transmutation of culture onto Christianity, though I don't know at this moment where it might have come from. Anyways, to think that I need or deserve a cathartic experience every week, day, month, year, whatever, Seems kind of egocentric. On the other hand, I will be soon going to confession with some regularity, so maybe there is something to it.

examination of my soul and prayer for its death and rebirth. every day. like in fight club, right? A post-modern monastary. complete with a brotherhood, asceticism, chant, communal chores and goals. every day, one step closer to hitting bottom...and realizing what we need to bounce off and go towards the surface and learn to fly.

Catharsis. Every day.

I have a clean room, new paint on the walls and more space. I found my prayer book, and I worked today. life is so good. undulating between joy and joy, rather happiness and unhappiness, but its all joy, because of the variety. bon soir mes amis.

today I am working.

Finally. Praise God.

I did an odd thing recently, for which I must apologize, it may be hard,but I am sorry to have caused stress. Apologies can be hard eh?

off to abbotsford with the shins in my head.

Peace to all



one day I will know why music is music. why it tears strips into and out of our heart, boggling our mind with chemicals that plunge our soul into the depths of emotionally tormenting deceptive joy, or perhaps it is honest, because true knowledge comes of truly knowing a person, relation ship s. one day.

can we take a ride?

wanted; catechumens, dead or alive.

soy eah. soy milk is fine. tomorrow will be full of soy milk. right?

I think perhaps they were right when they said that our enemy, satan, likes to attack the catechumens. I shied away from that because I don't want to sound self-righteous, but man, there have been at least two today things that happened directly related to church, and some that are not related to anything except weirdness. anyways,
Today, I had a good interview for a job I can't take because it involves going to a different church. fine, I don't want to go to a different church, but it really would have been a good job. a care home position, 40 hours, 13+ an hour. no soap. church first. God first really. Then, I get home to find an email asking me if I am available to be a choir director, A CHOIR DIRECTOR!!!!!! of all things, which I have always wanted to do, and get paid for it, at an anglican church. WTF. I know it is unnecessary to swear, but I want to write out every letter of the word in bold because man I would love to do that job, but of course, I now go to st. herman's and am committed. I have not been committed to a church, basically ever, and now, after what, two weeks, I get TWO, count them, job offers that I have to turn down. both awesome ones. a choir director. man, I can't believe it. There was some other weirdness today, but that is not for the blog, I did have a good day with Tim today, we just hung around, we actually signed up to be extra's in the movie industry. what a flaky workplace that seems like it will be, but if could be fun too, and beggars can't be choosers when it comes to work. goodness, choir director, and he contacted me because I was recommended by a prof, that was awesome though, that I came up, It helped my confidence immensely. Thank you God for that, and for all of this, because I know I am learning about what is important. I know I would hate not being at st. herman's, or an orthodox church anyways, but man, now it gets hard. but that is good, because for so long I have known that being a christian is supposed to be hard, and it has been generally pretty easy, maybe its cause I was like frank, and did it my way. this is not my way, though it is becoming that too, in a different way.

dang, thank you for your prayers.

being is beautiful and hard

Today, I am not in love with any one person. The church, God, my friends yes, I live in love with all of them, but it is different, a more right kind of love. I am in love with no one, and everyone at the same time. What a bizarre place we have here, isn't it gorgeous? man I love vancouver in the winter, the sun is so beautiful today. (singing) t-t-t-talk about the weather!
I have my prayer book again! sweet. I missed it, it has been interesting without it, strange and slightly bewildering. I wonder what that means. I think its because I love praying with my brothers and sisters even when we are in different places, and when I make up prayers, it isolates me a bit. I think .


So, I just got an email from one of my favourite ukrainian orphans, his name is Yura, he is awesome, his english is quite good, and he helped me learn russian when I was there. I also got an email from theosebia, a blogger who is incredibly interesting in her pursuit of truth and church stuff. a catechumen's walk

I sent her some of my baptism musings and her response was insightful. I love the church! It is so clear that while the orthodox church may have the fullness of the apostolic tradition, it certainly does not contain all the christians out there, as some fear it to be said from the inside. whether it is said inside or out, its not the case. A big difference I have recently discovered is the emphasis on sanctification vs justification. I never really cared or understood, but now it is clear and its funny how it shapes our life and theology. generally we protestants see salvation as a legal arrangement where we have to be justified once, and then we carry on, once in a while figuring we ought to do it over again, just for good measure. meanwhile, we orthodox (almost we) are continually growing in sanctification, through the grace of God in our lives, which I think presupposes continual justification too, through confession to God, one another and being given the sacraments. I think too, like Erica says in her blog that the sacramental nature of the orthodox church is so beautiful, it bathes everything in the world with a beautiful glow of Godliness. Its so warm and tranquil realizing that we cannot do anything, and yet God loves everything, every thing that he created is good. we can use them for bad, or good. but God made things good. okay, now I must eat, my brain requires more energy, I feel like my sentences are running circuitiously.



Did the rose
Ever open its heart

And give to this world
All its

It felt the encouragement of light
Against its

We all remain



thanks for sending this Tyson.

movie moments

So, I have had too many moments where I think I am in a movie, I am continually trying to have my life mediated, usually by my idea of what the movie would look like.
apparently life is not always easy. Today was great, I spent time with girls whom I know and love, and am glad they are my friends. I have I think three or so really good friends who are girls who I know are safe, which is totally a blessing. I have some other friends who are girls and safe, but I don't know them that well. I am learning to love the women in my life in ways that prevent seeing them in relation to myself, but just seeing them as they are, people, daughters of God. Sometimes I meet people and can't see past their beauty to their soul, and its hard to treat them as real people. Instead I have in the past seen them as a means to a selfish end, but it never occurs at the time. generally I convince myself I am being so caring and selfless. Its so hard to rid onesself of an own agenda. oh I am so fancy. do not go gentle, into that goodnight, rage, rage against the dying of the light.
it is gentle however, when I am led by the lamb through the forest of contentment, I just have to put on my blindfold and trust Him, and dang that is hard.
peace friends, I found where my prayer book is, its in vancouver. i will get it tomorrow, after I get two more jobs. just what I need. well, actually...


A prime example of the dualism that we have inherited in the western church is the protestant work ethic, and anti-intellectualism. I know a family who prides themselves on hard work. However, it is generally hard work of the physical kind. Manual labour has value because it produces something useful. However, if one were to suggest that hard intellectual work has just as much value, many of them, and many in their community would scoff. Its funny though because it is a backwards way of understanding the dualism, usually the body is bad and the non-material is good. This time however, the body is seen as good and the immaterial is bad. When one begins to talk about Dancing however, be careful.

Idis, soon I am going to go to IDiS

sweet. where I will attempt to help all the freshmen understand why it is important that they understand the masters of skepticism, or something. nietzche, freud and marx were the masters of something. they were the (I just burnt my finger on our backyard fire, we are cleaning and selling the house, so everything must go, including the excess of firewood that I got, so its hard to type) three main critics of enlightenment rationalism as a universal good that we could all attain to and out of which agree on everything. hello bloodiest ever (twentieth) century, thanks descartes, you moron. I know you meant well, but honestly, what were you thinking.
anyways, these three showed us that it is necessary to have mystery and faith in something, whatever it is. Also, that pure knowledge, or objectivity is impossible. the postmoderns picked up on this too. anyhow, the point is that any thinking and intelligent person willing to learn a bit will see that truth and knowledge are not pure and reasonable. everything comes to us in a context, and BP, I agree, this is a good creative way to process things, I pray everything is coming out clean in the wash.
knowledge of anything is relational. It depends on how well you know it, and what methodology you are using. there are some who think they can know God by merely reading the bible in the original languages over and over, disputing the historicity of certain parts in order to get the truth, but they get caught up in the argument and it becomes the purpose. knowledge about instead of knowledge of. then there are people who go too far the other way, they pray and pray and pray and pray and NEVER read their bible and they invent a new version of christianity, write their own bible in poorly imitated king james english and trick many into cartesian sensualist proof of the existence of God. (cf the prophet moroni, nice name eh?)
what is needed is a holistic approach, one that takes into account faith, reason, historical context, traditional interpretation, community existence and probably something else I am missing. anyways, how does this affect us? well, if you are a christian, you can't misunderstand what 'sola scriptura' means. the bible alone does not mean you shouldn't read philip yancey, or B wilkinson for that matter, though his books should not be read period, but not because of sola scriptura, rather, steer clear of his books so you may avert periodic and not so random bolts of lightning. Sola scriptura has to do more with authority than with a narrow reading list. ( I Think) goodness, I am now conscious of the theologically aware folks reading this, and feel thankful that they will probably help me understand a little better) anyways, find out how the fathers of our church interpreted the bible. they probably have a good idea of how, because they were there first. and while their epistemology was not necessarily better, it wasn't unbridled faith in the human intellect, more than likely it was knowledge of mystery, rather, acknowledgement of the existence of mystery, ergo faith, as well as the need to wed mysterious knowledge with some form of reason. okay, I am getting sleepy. this house cleaning/reno work is strange. gotta go to class soon too. your thoughts are always welcome friend,


monty python's flying circus.
doo doo doo doot doot doo doo doot doot duh duh duh dat dat dat dah dahhhh!

too late.


what would I do

Without friends like you. I know, its silly to keep falling in love with everyone I meet and even with people I don't, its almost impossible. but there are days that I am totally content to pray and eat and write and read and shovel. these days are great, I know I am loved, by you and by Him, and by you all. the shins are playing, making me feel like I am in a movie, because we all want to live life in a movie. the white keys are light, lite, white. and, if you become one of the people I fall towards, my apologies, I have a hard time these days with being careful. generally its okay, but sometimes...

tonight, my landlord/roommate/friend (not in that order) gave me a pipe, and I smoked it, to christen it. It was great, but not very pensive. I have not figured out how to just let it burn on its own, its always going out. smoking can be therapeutic, if done rarely. if not, it leads to chemotherapy, something my life is quite not in need of.
smoke and fire always point to God, you just have to use them the right way, smoke preserves things like fish and oysters, sends messages, and fire warms the heart and body, provides hours of wandering thoughts at night at summer camp. or it melts the snow around it in winter, keeping you warm by forcing you to work to feed it, or by standing too close.

in any case, If I fall to close to you and it hurts you, I am sorry. These days are rather bland and cathartic. I think I like the shins. oh I am so trendy. or perhaps a little behind, but who cares. what is ahead, ahead of what. I just need to calmly walk to the door and step outside to be by myself for a while, and be okay with that. I think I will do that on wednesday if I can. I need to. we'll see.

in the name of the lord, give the blessing Father. through the prayers of our brothers and sisters, have mercy on us and save us, grant health to Fr. J and M Sarah and justin and simon.

am I allowed to pray on a blog? oh media, how I misunderstand it.


aesthetic rant (more caffiene, please)

So, like postman, I see media as a truth teller. Of sorts. People read books, and because someone apparently took the time to edit and rewrite enough times for someone else to deem said writing publishable, the reader subconsciously assumes the same thing. Now, when someone creates video, music, music video, a picture, a painting, a chair, a shirt, a sculpture and says “here” the implication is that there is no further that the creation can be taken, in the mind of the creator anyways. Again, the assumption is that the art has reached its zenith, of sorts, and it is as filled with implicatory truth as it could be. Whatever it says, it says it with honesty. Now, does this imply truth? I think many cases it does, but I don’t think it necessarily means truth. We see something mediated and though it is twice removed from its essence, we see the mediated version of the object as the new essence. It takes on a new form, the essence of the object itself does not necessarily mean the same thing as the mediated visual form, but that doesn’t even matter. What matters is the meaning of the new essence, media becomes an unmediated new essence, with a specific aura about it. The aura is the one that is attached by someone saying “here, its done, interpret as you will”. The aura results from someone declaring it (overtly or not) finished by presenting it. Published art has passed a critique of peers, generally, and as such is deemed acceptable and even good.
Media does both mediate and create a new epistemological aesthetic. Okay, so these ideas are probably not new, more likely my brain is recycling plato, but I am mostly trying to work through my confusion about computers, tv’s and other forms of media that perpetuate our super saturated culture. Saturated in everything. The writing of books is endless.

more balloons, not mine this time.

being is beautiful and hard

I heard something that was surprising today. I know I often balloon people, but It is comforting to know that I am not the only one, I was being ballooned too, and when reality struck, it helped reality be as it is. reality. hmmmm.

okay, late nights. the problem is that now I can't be as honest as I once was, because people read this. but you know what, perhaps that is okay?
In interaction, human-relationships, there is always risk. Even though one may talk clearly, honestly and thoroughly about the context, status etc of a relationship, the form and content have to match, and even then, either individual may not even be aware of how they feel and how it affects their actions. self knowledge is really hard. was it calvin that said you can;t know yourself without knowing God, and vice versa? I think that may be true, Father have mercy on me so I may know you, so you may know me and I may know what it means.


being is beautiful and hard

st. stephens' musings

princess biss

Andrew's theo-political muse board

here are three of my favourite blogs. I am becoming such a nerd. happy saturday, I think I may go and skete today.


more baptism questions

so, questions about baptism. Tim and I are trying to figure out some strange things.

Okay, John the Baptizer was baptizing people for forgiveness of sins in mark and matthew BEFORE he baptized jesus. "preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins" (Mark 1:4 NIV)

so, what does that mean then, that John knew prophetically what would happen, or that baptism and forgiveness predate Jesus's death and resurrection?

and then the Holy Spirit comes upon us at baptism, as in Jesus case. However, does that mean that a) do I as a protestant Christian not have, nor have had the Holy Spirit indwelling me by my faith since I began to believe? and then b)that Jesus did not have the same Holy Spirit until he was baptized? I mean, it is confusing, because I know God. I have a relationship with Him, and if someone tells me otherwise, how do I respond to them. to myself, to my life. I know God has been my guide through many many moments of chaos and selfishness, leading me away from them and to Him. or through them to Him. I am so confused. what do the Fathers say?

do you think

its possible to fall in love with someone you have never met? is love really possible? and if so, does one really fall into it? I mean really. How could it be so accidental, although I know that it would be ideal to wake up one day and realize that you have been there for a while without realizing it, a falling of sorts. but perhaps more of a waking to it. like waking up to warm sun blasting you full in the face, saying "get up! look around, you are drenched in love, the love of the sun, the sun and someone, and you always forget, and that is why I rise again and again, and that is why we give thanks and intercede for them again and again, but wake UP!'

perhaps. I am in love with a church. a beautiful woman, the bride of Christ, of which I am a part. its hard, though, because though she is my current and most fulfilling lover, the manifestation of God here on earth, at the same time, there is still something left to be desired. Do monks really know God the way husbands know their wives? and what of the seclusion, i know I am here to be with people, to love and to touch and to listen, to talk and to walk with people, and to be done so with as well. well. I don;t know. I need to find a job that will allow me to do well, force me to focus, and let me explode into peoples lives so that the destruction is thorough enough to be creative in the end.

consumerism of

employment. I need a new job, anyone got one for me? or shifts. or no debt. that would be nice. stupid student loan. don't get a student loan, the government sucks.



wanna balloon? stay up late reading blogs about people who like the same obscure music as you do. how far is rhode island from London ON? (maybe its a riddle, or a blorgle)

caffiene and alcohol

late nights and hunger too.
No, I like beer, and dark chocolate too on occasion, but man I hate caffiene and alcohol. honestly, I don't mind having a beer or two, in fact the other night when we sat around after our meal for the feast of the encounter, it was beautiful. but man when I woke up I was so dehydrated, it was awful. my head hurt, and I was not hungover, because I wasn't drunk, but I was because I was so lacking in water. but the beer was tasty. Guinness. and too, tonight, I had a few chocolate chips. honestly, a small handful and it helped me get in a cranky mood. I think I may need to stop blogging because when people ask me about orthodoxy, I refer them to my blog instead of talking to them. but man, its so hard to try to explain it all to them while we are standing around. i just want to say, and I do, please see the growing mountain of writing on my blog regarding my ongoing search and discovery process. moodiness sucks, but that is what makes us human eh? letting other people extend grace to us. is that so backwards? I mean, only when we need it, not on purpose deciding to do that, that is like rasputinology. insanity. as well, is really healthy that we spill out onto the internet and to everyone and no one in particular? its like letting everyone be your best friend and not expecting anything in return, but its mediated so you don't really know who is knowing you. vulnerability without responsibility. Perhaps this is the emotional equivalent to pornography, depending on your level of vulnerability. how do we learn boundaries when we are re-inventing the wheel, somewhat alone? I mean, I know I am not alone, but in some senses, I am. I know that I have not always had a healthy sense of boundaries, so perhaps this is my safe house, but its weird, because I still want to maintain the level of vulnerability that I had before anyone knew I was writing this, well, anyone I knew.

anyways, I love/hate caffiene and alcohol. and now it is time to pray. for those of you who do that too, Graham, the son of people I am friends with/live with when in timmins ON, is fighting a hard battle with cancer currently, and Steve Fielding has lupus. if you would ask for prayers from the saints, I am sure they would appreciate it, as long as they don't know about the saints part. they are my protestant friends. :) May He Bless you all and forgive me, a sinner

this may be the

last time, may be the last time we ever shout together...

so goes the blind boys of alabama shout/moan song at the end of their spirit of the century.
Dan and I just played pool. we do that almost every night we are both home, and now he is leaving. I think I am sad, surprisingly to me. People joke that he is my wife. we have been roommates for at least a year and a half, and we have known each other about five years, to varying degrees. honestly, there have been moments that I have been more annoyed by him than the black flies of northern ontario, and believe me, they are bad. but at the same time, there have been lots of good times. more than that, there has been lots and lots of time. I think its time that cements something, any sort of people-ish interaction. I am so sick of words that are hard to interpret, and yet I want to go and study hermeneutics. WTF. relationships. love. I love the people I live with, in different ways, but I do. Dan happens to be almost as talkative, perhaps even more so, than I. Perhaps learning to listen has been a pain in the arse, no doubt some strengthening of character, development of soul. but its been fun too. whatever the case, our house is being painted and renovated so it can be sold. Des is getting married in may. our little brotherhood, the westwood brethren, yet another experiment and reality of christians living together, is coming to an end. Alistair will go and buy a house, I might have to crawling back to mom and dad, wow that would suck. mostly I need to find a job that has regular shifts. I get a good hourly wage, but no shifts these days.

caffiene and alcohol are next

the possibility of understanding

really, how can we know things? I now have two friends who are realizing that they cannot know, or decide to believe to varying degrees of course and in very specific contexts. I have seen that while I trust much of the theology and history that I have heard, read and discussed, and certain parts of my intellect are satisfied by these things, I also know God is here ( among my new community-and don;t think this implies he is not with you in your various ones in varying capacities etc, I have not said that, but some people take it that way) because I see him looking at me in the eyes of my friends. one shoots these lazer beams of love that come from quite near the heavenly throne, I am sure, and it is such a human gaze, because it is so filled with God's love. I see the way we were meant to live when I spend time with the community here. in love. in all sorts of love, even when there are preludes or deludes or deluges of romance/eros, they are still clouded in agape so that however they end up, they end up in love, healthy love that gets past whatever its past was, towards God and Good.
Not everyone can communicate so well and so freely, but I think it must be the church.
I have a friend who I have seen recently, and we know we will not be dating in the future because we did in the past. this makes for such a free and safe relationship. It seems to me to be the way that those who claim to love each other should treat each other, towards freeing and empowering the other to be who they are, to see the person as a person, and not as a potential self gratification being, either to love or be loved. Both can still be selfish because they are seen from the perspective of the self, though its hard, nay likely impossible to see from outside the self. And do we want that? or should we pray that God will let our desires be His, and selfless, sublimation of our narrow understanding.

I am kind of sick today, but i don't know why. too much beer and chocolate, dehydrating my body, but last night's living room floor sit was hydrating to my soul. the feast of the encounter. definetely a good time, though fasting is hard. goodness.

So, is it possible to see someone as desireable and yet not want to own them, but to love them for who they are and encourage that? it must be, but its a slow learning curve. anywhoo


I can't believe I just lost that post. crap. I want to go to montana, are there any orthodox churches there? maybe just hutterites. too many iconoclasts.

now for not yet

This is a quote from a blog called st stephen's musings, regarding his blog sabbatical and the birth of his daughter, but it has some good ideas that we can all enjoy and learn from

"Then Frodo kissed Merry and Pippin, and last of all Sam, and went abroad; and the sails were drawn up, and the wind blew, and slowly the ship slipped away down the long grey firth; and the light of the glass of Galadriel that Frodo bore glimmered and was lost. And the ship went out into the High Sea and passed on into the West, until at last one night of rain Frodo smelled a sweet fragrance on the air and heard the sound of singing that came over the water. And then it seemed to him that as in his dream in the house of Bombadil, the grey rain-curtain turned all to silver glass and was rolled back, and he beheld white shores and beyond them a far green country under a swift sunrise..."

The destruction of the Ring of Power did for Frodo what Kirsten's birth is doing for me. I am only now beginning to understand how truly revolutionary are the ramifications.

As I get older my admiration has increased for those like Frodo--souls who, to quote St. Maximus the Confessor, "understand the created essence of things" and because of this illumination know that, as Ecclesiastes notes, God "has made everything beautiful in its time yet He also has put eternity into man's mind."

There is an important "both/and" at work here. There are many places, such as the Shire, where good friends, stimulating discussion and community can be found. Yet there comes a point where, in spite of (and, paradoxically, because of) these things, one must leave for "white shores and beyond them a far green country under a swift sunrise...

its kind of weird, but this can apply to many things, currently for me- a journey towards orthodoxy. I am becoming orthodox, and I write that as much for me as for you, I need to know the meaning of it, to meditate and chew on it, writing being one of my best ways to do that.

It seems to be always about relationships, with God, how to do that, and I am understanding more and more about that every day here, which is partially why I love orthodoxy so much. I am given a framework to know God within, whereas most evangelical churches don't really have any sort of answer for the"how do we relate to God' question. relationships with the better gender, I am seeing you as people more and more, and as in relation to my desire less and less. Not that I don't desire to know you and be with you (this is all of you, all my sisters) but I don;t see you as someone who can take away my loneliness when it visits, and sits in my room. I hope that happens too, but really its God who does that, either His spirit, or His people.
and yes, its our choice too, we have the freedom to do things that affect our various levels of knowing and being known. we can isolate ourselves, and we can drown in people too, both are probably unhealthy. zen christianity right? the yin of solitude and the yang of community. anyways, time to shred some west coast singletrack, oh I am so not hardcore, but my bike is. anyone wanna buy a bike?


being is beautiful

being is beautiful

so, I have to mark IDIS papers tonight. I know I want intimacy, and perhaps I notice it more since I have not done lengthy prayers lately, I have not spent longer times with our unearthly friends, and our Lord. I can't wait for church tomorrow night. I have an interview tomorrow afternoon. My friend is here to visit, that is cool. we had a good talk about what it means to believe and "what is" it is hard to understand sometimes, but there are a lot of things in the way of belief, and at the same time, she figures she may be a christian and not know it. she is so addicted to the christian community, and she calls herself an atheist. well, she is a free being, so we'll see. I love the Dave Matthews Band, and can't wait to see them again. I wonder if I will get into grad school, and I wonder how to know who is a good person to seek to know. I think we all are, and we are all capable of loving everyone, but clearly there are people we can;t love very well. but then whose responsibility is it? I have to write in my tactile journal soon, this one is good, but I am becoming aware that people will read it, and I am writing with this in mind. I am trying hard to not do that, we will see. its like when I wrote the blog for amber, its okay now, she has a boyfriend, and I know it is still unreasonable etc for me and anyone, because of me now. five months is not that long, I hope Roxi is getting better, hurting less. I am growing a lot, in ways I know would be impossible were we still together. I bet she is too, though I can't imagine being at home is really all that healthy for her. maybe its better to not talk about others on a blog. I don't know. that is one of my phavourite word sets. goodnight.