11.23.2004

Girls

So, there is this girl that I like, and I can't believe that there are different ways of feeling positive emotions about someone. I mean, I think I just love her a little bit, like in the same way, my recently ex best/girl friend I loved her in many ways, a whole lot, but at the same time I didn;t like some things about her, but she wasn't even aware that though she may have loved me, she didn't like me. she loved the relationship and the way I treated her sometimes, and that we had a level of intimacy that she had never experienced before, nor had I. I think I like this girl, but I can;t say that I like her in any certain way. I really like hearing what she has to say, I enjoy being with her, its peaceful and yet she stimulates intriguing conversations that dig to the core of who she is, and who I am. she has a beautiful soul ( and a pretty face, which always makes things harder, motivations etc) but I am convinced that girls who are pretty can be ugly when they open their mouths to speak, and girls who you suspect to be unattractive physically can become very attractive when they speak. and there are always exceptions.
the girl in ottawa is pretty, but I can;t even see her. She is beautiful, and I almost forget the colour of her hair. and then, I remember her smile and her laughing face, though it fades fast. And yet, I don't know her, so I objectify her a little, put her on a pedestal a little and she becomes something to pursue. I hope not, but I really want to know her. It is knowledge I crave, I want to be known and accepted completely, to know that God exists and this can really happen, agape love between humans. I wonder. but with a wife it would not be confined to one kind of love, I hope to have agape, eros, phileo and storge for my wife. I want to take care of her, to be her companion, to forgive her when she hurts me and to love her passionately, because I do, not because I have to. but because I will. she has a beautiful soul, one that is searching for the truth and is hesitant to come back to believing anything and a little afraid of commitment because she is just like the rest of us, a consumer. I do this all the time, and its a problem, because by committing to something or someone, you annihilate all of the other choices out there. by saying yes to one girl, you are saying that she is better for you than all the rest. like you actually know that. but there you are, for life. and these days, so many don't even stay marrried, but what a load of shite. its a choice and a rejection of the freedom to choose in the future. I am a little afraid, and I wonder if such a choice has to be made quickly or slowly. who knows. and is it even a choice. yes. in ottawa. I don;t actually know anyone else who lives there, though I will soon, and who knows, maybe this summer I will see her. I balloon so much. perhaps, perhaps not. this whole blogging thing is weird. I am writing a public diary that nobody I know will see. except maybe you. NOTE, if you are reading this, I have edited her name out of here. it was long ago, but for the sake of honesty, I will leave my posts alone.
here's the thing, the reason I wrote so much. I like you. what that means, i don't know. what I expect, nothing. everything. I have been from never hearing from you again all the way to cocktail parties ten years from now in our condo on the 23rd floor of a high rise you designed in downtown vancouver. So, since there is not much invested in this as of yet, and since I really do like you for you, and not for the possibilities of the future, I can be vulnerable like this and let you say that you are still interested in matt, or that you enjoy reading my rants, and like going to church, but just don't like me in that way. and that is fine, I will still write (if you like) and you can say whatever you want to, tell me about the boys/men who you want to date, and I will tell you how to snag them ( not that you should have any trouble ) I will still write you about books like "Spilling Open" that you need to see or own. or you can come to my cousin's wedding in kitchener in February and we can have coffee and stand on the edge of a dangerous cliff. and we could listen to sufjan stevens, who you HAVE to hear. seven swans is the name of the album. its something that will help you get in the creative mood, and if you like it,and he doesn't, find out why. its not what that matters, its why. if you find this before I tell you about it, because you googled me, or someone else did and told you, okay. I might never tell you. peace.

riiiiight.

So, apparently I should not email you too much, because you might find out that I was completely enamoured of you when you wrote that first email. I thought of moving to ottawa and finding something to study there, sudbury will have to do. I am pseudo-lonely tonight, leo is home, and everyone else is at choir. good for them. its nice and quiet, my back is sore from work, but I still want to email you and convince you that emailing me is a good idea. but, I know that you are not nearly as interested in it right now as I am. I am quite thrilled at you, I think your writing about God and beauty is cool, and very telling. You want to suck the marrow out of life, and when people castrate God and say that He chooses everything and is not a risk taker, you can't believe it. Good. If life was given by him, there is no way that it can be as boring as predestination makes it out to be. at least the way BFA talks about it, or shallow calvinisms and their misappropriation of it. We have to live with freedom whether or not we actually have it, because we will never know until later. And, if we live any other way, we will be cheating both God and ourselves. Why am I fasting? because my community is, and why am I there? Because I meet with God when I go there. Is it possible that it is harder and or almost ridiculous to try and meet with God at home? alone? is it possible to know God apart from other people? man I love the simpsons. I burn a candle to remember that God is with me, and light incense because God is everywhere, like a pleasant aroma, and because I like smoke. I like fire too. how can I do Christianity, deny myself. how? emotionally too? because that is what seems to be happening. our culture is shattering everyone apart from each other. God, are you about experience, relationship, faith. blast, the simpsons are sucking my soul away. I will return to being myself in a half an hour, though maybe not here.

11.19.2004

hi

I'm new here. who are you. that is an interesting name. what does it mean. yeah, that's okay. anyways, nice to meet you. we'll have to talk more sometime. I really would like to tell my deepest darkest secrets to the whole world and no-one at all. ta ta.